Water Everywhere

"How do you rate the new hygienist?" she said when I phoned home to report my whereabouts.

You will remember that we moved to the coast a while back and we're still interviewing the local healthcare providers; doctors, dentists, palm readers, and such. I have a few funny stories about them but this story isn't one of them.

"First," I said, "let me say that she really knows how to use that wand."

"You mean the ultrasonic scaler," she said.

"Do I?" I said. "The thing that vibrates and sends a stream of water into the mouth? Well, she's good with it. Doesn't sting the gums as much as my previous hygienist."

"But it still stings," she said. 

"It does a little," I said, "but the point at issues is not the sting but the flood."

"Too much water," she said.

"Let me be clear," I said. "It's not like one of those named storms that frequent the gulf coast. More like the ancient Great Flood that we hear so much about in those YouTube videos."

"It's biblical," she said.

"That's one of looking at it," I said and I immediately returned to the main subject. This wonder woman, as I'm sure you're aware, will get off onto the subjects of wide-eyed cherubims [cherubins] at the wink of an eye."

"When she began working," I said just to get back to it. "it reminded me of the time that Johnny and the rest of the Maple Hollow crew ambushed me with spray-soakers at the water park. 

I was about 12 and more immune to the unexpected in those younger years. Still, getting about 4 or 5 soakers in the face will get your attention. I remember gasping and gulping and swallowing about twice the recommended amount of water. And yet, for some reason, I laughed. Can't imagine why now."

"I don't like the sound of that," she said.

"Tolerable," I said, "but then the thing progressed if that's the term, and when she put the vacuum tube in my mouth, I thought of the regulator that scuba divers use."

She opened her mouth as if to say something but I closed my eyes and persevered.

"You remember when we became NAUI-certified as divers we had to learn to clear our mask of water while still under the surface. Every time I tried to exhale into my mask to force the water out, I felt like I was going to drown."

"Just to be clear," she said, "we're still talking about the teeth cleaning and not getting scuba certifications?"

"Teeth cleaning to be sure," I said.

"Sounds horrible."

"Close to the end of the procedure, there was so much water in my mouth, I felt that I couldn't breathe. Suddenly, I remembered the time when, as part of a rite of passage at age 13, I was compelled to dive to the bottom of the lake underneath Armstrong Bridge."

Again, she made an effort to say something but I raised a hand to indicate that there was more to come and then let her have it.

"My mistake was spending too much time on the bottom looking for just the right pebble to prove I'd made it all the way down. Coming back up, I felt an urgent need to breathe, so much so that I thought I wasn't going to make it. I remember thinking, This is it, and that thought was followed by, Is this really all there is?

"Oh no! Then what happened?"

"The short answer is panic! I began pumping my legs and flailing my arms in an attempt to get to the surface as quickly as possible. I remember being aware of nothing other than the pain in my lungs and the bright orb hanging above me that seemed to call to me and keep me struggling toward the surface."

"Was there no one around to help you?"

"Oh, sure, the hygienist and dentist were there doing all they could and several assistants came running to see what all the fuss was about."

"You are!" she cried. "You are talking about teeth cleaning! You didn't really do all that in the dentist chair, did you?"

"Ms. Wonder! I'm surprised that you even question me. You know that I never mislead my public. You have every right to be skeptical, and I'll defend your right to do so, but yes, I did all that and more.

 Just you wait until it's your turn in that chair."

"I'm finding another dental office," she said.

Here Comes the Rain

It was what I expected, of course. Sure, the early morning temps were mild for August on the Carolina coast and cats were napping on the screened porch and I'd joined them for morning meditation, but the wet, gray sky was thunder-booming and lightning skittered about in the murk.

"There was a lightning strike nearby," said a familiar voice from somewhere in the kitchen.

As if on queue, big, fat raindrops began falling and the cats awoke and rocketed inside. 

"You startled me," I said. "I didn't know you were there."

"Not as much as a lightning bolt will startle you," she said. I knew this Ms. Wonder spoke soothe in all situations, so I gathered up my one-day-at-a-time paraphernalia and came inside.

"By the way," she said, "if you're out this morning, my meds are ready at the pharmacy."

Just as she finished that sentence, the sky became darker. It was as though the sun had given up the ghost and we were living in a wet, wild, and windblown world. 

"But I'd wait until the storm passes if I were you," she said.

Now, first of all, I didn't have a lot invested in this storm. In fact, I'd been watching these weather shenanigans with the same quiet air of a drama critic waiting for the curtain to go up.

Secondly, and if you're a regular supporter of this blog you already know, that I can't get enough of this woman's bouquet. I'm in awe of her glamor. I'm enamored. And when she expresses a wish, it's as though her dainty foot is pressed on the accelerator of my heart. When she becomes a damsel in need, I become her parfait knight.

It won't surprise you to know that when she said, 'Please pick up meds', I heard Princess Amy yell, "Run faster!" And so I replied, "I'll go now."

In an instant, I found myself behind the controls of Wind Horse and out on Ocean Highway, prepared to face any obstacle. Before actually crossing the river, I thought it best to have a steaming cup of Jah's Mercy and so I headed straight to Port City Java.

PCJ was a bust. The drive-through window displayed a sign reading, Closed due to shipping delays. No problem, I thought, Starbucks is a few blocks away but again, nothing doing; the line at Starbucks was backed up to Texas.

You'd think that Amy would have the upper hand now, telling me that failure was written in my stars, but I still smiled and sang along with Stevie Nicks on the radio. You see, the thunder was rolling away and the lightning had lost much of its pizzaz. The Niagra-inspired rainfall had become a light mist and the sky had recovered much of its Carolina blue. 

I was sure that the morning was going to be topping after all because I was running an errand for the Wonder waiting for me at home. I pointed Wind Horse toward the Brunswick River bridge and rode into the open mouth of the dragon that is Wilmington.

For several minutes as I headed toward the bridge, my thoughts were submerged in the movie playing out in my mind. Princess Amy had staged one of her coming disaster stories but halfway across the bridge, despite Amy's dramatics, I became dimly aware that something rummy was going on outside the car in my peripheral vision. 

I turned to look downriver and was surprised to see a solid-looking black wall of a monster storm heading my way. It was whipping up a substantial wake and threatening everything in its path with frequent lightning. The earlier storm outside the screened porch had been nothing more than a messenger, sent to prepare the way for this baby. 

By the time I parked outside the pharmacy, the storm was at its nastiest. Princess Amy, who'd been watching the storm developing, had mixed feelings about the whole thing. As a spectacle, she enjoyed it immensely. She liked thunderstorms a lot. The only thing to spoil the event, in her opinion, was that I wasn't out in it.

"Go, go, go!" she screeched and I immediately went out into the rain wearing shorts, a Hawaiian shirt, with no umbrella.

I returned to the car, squelching as I walked, and I was disappointed not a little. You see the news about Wonder's meds being ready had been vastly overrated. They weren't ready. Still, I knew that a bookstore with a coffee cafe was only a few blocks away and that gave me hope. 

I've heard it said, and perhaps you've heard it too, that you can't buy love, you can't buy happiness, but you can buy coffee. It speaks volumes, doesn't it? I felt that all I needed was to zip into the bookstore and the day would be transformed. Feeling absolutely bucked, I zipped, and much like Lucifer, I fell from heaven to hell when I found the cafe closed due to shipping delays.

Now, if I know you at all, by this time you're thinking that the Universe has a sore spot when it comes to yours truly. And if that's what you think, then who am I to disagree. But you can't really blame the Universe for feeling that way. After all, I've been nothing but stubborn trouble since I was so high. With the exception of taking care of a few needy cats, I've done scratch to justify my existence.

I decided to phone Wonder before heading home. I got her voicemail. I told her that I was heading back toward the Shire and might possibly stop at the Belville Port City Java. Text me if you want coffee I told her. She phoned back right away.

"Yes," she said when I answered the call. "Please bring me a latte and you'll be happy to know that the sun is shining here."

"Ah, Wonder," I said. "The sun always shines on you. I can't wait to be there and I will be there as soon as I can find a way out of the dragon's bowels." 

I was pretty full of myself when I heard that metaphor come out of my mouth. Not bad on the spur of the moment I thought. My mood was lifted substantially. You might say that I was catapulted into a higher dimension just thinking about being back home with Poopsie, cats, sunshine, birdsong, and the rest of the amenities. To think that I'd turned a little summer shower into an end-of-the-world threat made me laugh.

I remember thinking, in a light-hearted sort of way, that here was another case of just one damned thing after another. Nothing to be done, of course, other than taking life as it comes, and life was currently still raining in heavy traffic on Oleander Boulevard. Sunshine would have to wait.

No Good Way to Tell You

You probably think there's never been a spot for happily ever-after-ing than here on the Carolina coast. And who could blame you? It seems exactly the spot. Until it isn't, of course. Take yesterday for instance.

"If self-improvement were easy," said Ms. Wonder, "then we'd all be perfect, wouldn't we?" She said it between sips of lemon-ginger tea while sitting near the rhododendron, on the southern side of the screened porch.

"Despite all indications to the contrary, I'm constantly working to become the best me that I can be," I said. "And it's not so simple as Deepak and Oprah would have you believe."

"I know," she said. "But I think you sabotage your efforts with worry about problems that may or may not happen." 

 "Let me tell you something," I said. "I may worry but I don't quit. I keep plugging away at it. Hoping to store up enough points to come back as a cat in my next life."

"But you seem to look for problems that don't exist."

"Well, isn't the anticipation of possible downsides a good thing? It helps to be prepared, doesn't it? Consider Napoleon in Cairo."

"I don't want to consider Napoleon," she said, not in Cairo or anywhere else. You consider Napoleon on your own time."

"I just wanted to point out that Napoleon didn't have to contend with sewer harpies. Harpies aren't Greek pebbles and you can take my word for that."

"Sewer harpies?" she said.

"Sewer harpies," I said.

"Creek pebbles?" she said.

"Oh, for heaven's sake," I said. "You know the reference. I'm talking about that ancient Greek life coach with the stutter."

"Demosthenes?" she said.

"If you insist," I said. 

"He cured his speech impediment by talking with pebbles in his mouth," she said. "And he wasn't a life coach. He was an orator."

"I don't care if he was an orator or a computer programmer," I said. "Bet me that he didn't swallow some of those pebbles from time to time and then think about giving up his dream and becoming a shepherd instead." 

She stared at me in silence for a few and I reckoned that I'd found a talking point.

She said, "As long as people have been trying to improve themselves..."

"How long is that?" I said.

"Never mind how long," she said. "The point is that everyone meets setbacks and failure. The key is to learn from our mistakes and move on."

"Learning from mistakes is like trying to explain a Zen koan," I said, and I was feeling pretty full of myself because it seemed that I was on a roll. You would have thought the same if you were there.

"Alright," she said. "Look... journaling is said to help by forcing us to arrange random events into a coherent story that explains the lesson. Doesn't your writing do that?"

"Have you read my blog?" I said. "My stories aren't coherent. The harpies throw so many detours my way that writing never gets me to where I intended. Most of the time I end up in the ditch"

"Just don't give up," she said. "Do it for me." And she placed her hand on my shoulder to indicate something. I'm not sure what she intended, but it made me feel better because it reminded me that we're on the same team.

"It just never seems to get better," I said. "No matter what I do. It's depressing. It's demoralizing."

"Just keep trying," she said. "And whatever you do, don't stop writing."

"What?" I said. "Do you mean I should forget about becoming a shepherd?"

Mom's Book of Death

'Poopsie,' I said. 'You remember Mom's Big Book of Death, right?'

Apparently, she didn't because instead of a nod or some verbal reply she simply raised the right eyebrow and looked at me with a stoic expression. Is that the phrase I want; stoic expression I mean? Meaning that she doesn't show what she's feeling.

'Oh, you know,' I said. 'It's a notebook where she wrote the names and dates of the recently departed.'

'But it was also an address book,' she said. 'She kept phone numbers and mailing addresses there too. If I remember correctly, she also kept stuff like her medical appointments, verses of scripture, and other notes. I wouldn't call it a book of death. Maybe a personal organizer.'

'Why do you take these things away from me?' I asked. 'I come in here with something interesting to talk about and you turn the unique into the mundane. Maybe you'd like to hear about my latest flea bite. I've been bitten so many times I may develop superpowers.'

'I'm sorry,' she said. 'Did I take something away? I didn't mean to and I assure you that I don't want to hear about flea bites. Do remember to spray yourself when you rescue stray dogs, I don't want you to bring fleas back into our house for the cats to deal with.'

'I'm being lectured now,' I said. 'I think I'll forget the Book of Death for now and go for a drive along the seaside.' 

'Yes, do,' she said. 'Do go for a drive. That will make you feel better but first, tell me all about the death book. I want to hear from start to finish. Don't leave out any details, no matter how small. I'll bet you hold me spellbound.'

'That's better,' I said. 'The right tone and attitude. I can imagine Josephine saying something similar to Napoleon. But first, it's not the death book, it's the Big Book of Death. It's important to get these things right.' 

'Of course,' she said.

But wait. It occurs to me that you may not have read the blog post entitled, Work in Progress, so let me provide a little background. My mom was the keeper of the Big Book of Death until her own passing a few years ago. 

As soon as Mom learned of the passing of a friend, a family member, or a celebrity, she wrote the person's name and the date in the book. I put the book in a safe place after Mom's passing. Click on the link below if you want to read the first post, but not now for heaven's sake. Read this one first.

'I wondered what happened to that book,' she said. 'I haven't seen it in a while.' 

'I haven't even thought of it for a long while,' I said, 'but April is the birthday month of Mom and my sister, Delores. It's the month my sister died too. I suppose my thinking of the book is related to all that. Just guessing of course. There's really no way to explain the workings of my brain.'

'At any rate, the thought that came to me was that I should write my mom's name and date of death on the last page of the book. Sort of making the whole thing complete, if you see what I mean.'

'Good idea,' she said.

I thought it a good idea to so when I got back home that day, I took the book down from its shelf and turned to the last page. Imagine my surprise when I found a note that my mom had written for me on that page. She must have expected me to do exactly what I had decided to do and then find the message.

She wrote, 'Won't it be wonderful over there, having no burdens to bear, and especially when Genome and family get there.' 

So there you have it. My mom's last message to me. I suppose it can be summed up in, Hurry up and get over here. And that makes me think of that previous post where I record my conversation with Death, himself. Click here to read it: Work in Progress

Back to the Island

Something there is that calls us back to the island of Ocean Isle repeatedly. I've loved her from the first time I saw her. I don't know what set her apart from all the others. It may have been her name; the words Ocean Isle conjures images of a tropical paradise. It may have been the sound of the surf rolling in as the sun sinks into the sea, or it may have been the soft whispers of the evening breezes.

And why shouldn’t this coastal paradise call to us? The island has everything we need for a day trip or extended vacation. There are lots of sun, sand, and surfable waves, and the boardwalks allow me to cross the dunes without disturbing them. I especially like that.

The thing I like most about the island is that everything I want or need is never too far from the sea—things like icy drinks and shrimp burgers and coffee—especially coffee because no matter how much sand I have in my shoes, nor how much salt I have in my t-shirt, I can’t pass up a cup of the steaming.

As satisfying as it is to have the best things of life right across the street from the Atlantic, it gets even better than that here at OIB. The multicolored sunshine logo on the Sunset Slush pushcarts comes out onto the beach every day bringing Italian ices in a wide variety of flavors. That’s right—they bring the stuff to you, my friend, and they are as dependable as caffeine.

The town of Ocean Isle is big enough to offer outstanding summertime diversions too—like the free outdoor movies on Wednesday evenings and the free outdoor concerts in the park on Fridays. Large enough to provide all that and yet small enough that it doesn’t get in the way—plenty of room for everybody.

Considering everything Ocean Isle offers, I have to wonder why it's routinely overlooked by the big media outlets when they rank the best Carolina beaches. I rate it the number one beach in Carolina—North and South.

But regardless of what draws us here, we are drawn, and the time comes when we simply must go back. We came back this time to search for photographic opportunities to illustrate a travel piece destined for publication in Carolina Roads Magazine.

It was an early August morning and we'd stopped at Lowe's Foods on the mainland for some reason that I've forgotten now. I'd never noticed it before but there at the end of the sidewalk was an inviting little spot named OIB Surf & Java Cafe. I know! Surfing and coffee as if they belonged together.  

Oh sure, I’d seen these little coffee shops everywhere along the Carolina coast. Some of them were pleasant surprises but most were just another bean grinder—good for a cup of the needful but one was as good as another. I wasn’t expecting much from a bean trader located in a strip center. Still, it was early morning and I felt in need of the medium dose for an average adult.

I opened the front door and the instant I stepped inside, my low-level expectations were replaced by a completely satisfying sight that seemed to drop softly through the air like the gentle rain from heaven.

I stared in amazement, speech taken from my lips by a sharp intake of breath. It may not have been the perfect coffee shop, because none of my friends were there waiting for me, but it was close enough to perfect to be getting on with. 

"Good morning," called the barista, "What can I get started for you?"

Whatever it was that she might start for me was destined to remain a mystery for the moment, because this pleasant surprise had taken me by storm, and my system needed time to adjust.

I looked around the room cautiously, expecting at any moment for the place to revert to what I’d expected before opening the door. What I saw were stylish, yet comfortable chairs surrounded by potted palms. I saw surfboards, and wet suits, and a year’s worth of The Surfers Journal. I even saw ukuleles. Yes, that’s right.

Ms. Wonder and I wandered around the place, taking it all in, and making a few photos as we went. Eventually, we found ourselves back at the starting point. We ordered coffee but I couldn't stop looking at the muffins. I don't eat muffins but I ate those muffins.

Eventually, the time was past for living in a dream world and it was time to go back to the island. As we left the cafe, I remember thinking that this place was too good to be true and I wondered if it would still be here when we came this way again. Like Brigadoon, perhaps it appears once in a while and can’t be found except on one special day of the year.

You remember Brigadoon, don't you? It's a musical about a village in Scotland that appears for only 1 day every 100 years. Tommy, the American tourist falls in love with Fiona who lives in the village. Everyone knows that story. You may have performed the role of Tommy or Fiona in your high school production. 

At the end of the day, we sat alone on the beach near the pier, where we enjoyed a Sunset Slush while we watched the sun go down, and listened to the sea roll in, and heard the night birds cry. 

Eventually, the time came to say goodbye and as we drove across the bridge back to the mainland, I thought of OIB Surf & Java. Was it still there I wondered? Or had it disappeared like Brigadoon? As we neared Lowe’s Foods, I fought the urge to turn into the center. I lost the fight.

Surprisingly the coffee shop was still there. Still, I reasoned, several hours remained in the day and it might yet disappear under cover of night. I'll update you with the latest when we come back to the island.