The Return of Lupe

In a previous episode...

The text message I received was from my Great Aunt Maggie, the Supreme Mother of the Genome clan. She instructed me to ferry my god-niece Lupe from the old metrop of Durham, where she attends the School of Science and Math, to Shady Grove Village, my ancestral home and the domain of my mother's family.

Well, we can't allow aunts to order us around like they're our mothers. We'd never hear the last of it. One day it would be this and another day--well, I'm sure you get my meaning and, if I know anything about you after all the years, you agree with me in toto.

I responded to her text by saying that my calendar was full and that I couldn't get away just now. I promised to get back to her in a few days. She then replied with a great deal of claptrap about an aunt's curse that included many variations of, If you know what's good for you. 

As I considered my next move, I received a text from Lupe, the 11-year-old geezer mentioned in Aunt Maggie's text. Her text read, On my way up. Don't make me wait!!! Did I mention that she's 11?

The very next moment, my doorbell tootled, and when I opened the door, there on the threshold, was a half-pint version of the maximum recommended adult dose of young Twee. 

She wore spider-crushing combat boots in a sort of silvery-black color with red socks. A plaid shirt in red and black was tied around denim shorts and a long-sleeved black t-shirt.  A wide-brimmed black hat with a red band was pushed back from her face. It was a big morning for red and black.

"Don't make me wait?" I said in a light rebuff.

"I know how you can be," she said as she walked into the room.

"How I can be..." I said with more than a little topspin. "Is this the beginning of a beautiful conversation?"

"Ha!" she said. "You big jamoke!" She gave me a punch in the arm and asked, "How are you?" She threw her arms around my waist, and my mood was instantly elevated. She has that power with me. You see, this Lucy Lupe Mankiller and I go way back. Well, we go back 11 years.

"Jamoke?" I said. "I'm not familiar with the term."

She ignored the remark. Her attention seemed to have been arrested if that's the word. She was scrutinizing my face. She stepped back to get a better view.

"What happened to your caterpillar?"

"Oh, that little thing," I said. "I shaved it this morning. I thought it was time for a new look. You don't see many upper lips these days or chins for that matter. Adds a bit of the debonair to your old God-uncle, don't you think?"

"No," she said.

"No? That's disappointing. I was hoping for your approval. Why don't you like it?"

"Well," she said, "you don't have an upper lip."

"Oh, that does hurt," I said. "It may be thin, Miss Mankiller, but it's there. And we may still be looking for my chin, but I do have an upper lip, and right now, I'm struggling to keep it stiff."

She let that one slide and changed the subject. "I'm happy that you're going to the village with me."

"Don't get your hopes up, I don't plan to be there for long."

"How long will you be staying then? You'll be there through the Solstice?"

"Absolutely not," I said. "The last thing I want is to get stuck playing the part of the Fool in the Winter Festival."

"Too bad," she said. "Nothing exciting ever happens in the village," she said and then added the footnote, "unless you're there, of course. You have a special knack for adding interest."

"I know why you say that with that silly grin, young Lupe," I said. "And for the millionth time, it was not my fault."

"Burning down the outdoor guides' dormitory?" she said. "How's that not your fault?"

"I've explained repeatedly," I said, "that I had no choice in the matter. I was forced to make a decision on the spur of the moment. Do you know how difficult it can be to choose one course of action over another in a flash? I did my best. I considered this and that, and the best course of action seemed to be burn the place down to hide the evidence."

"Hmmm," she said with a meditative nod. She seemed to be assessing the logic behind my reasoning. Or should I say, the reasoning behind my logic? I'm never sure which way it should go. Leave a comment below with your suggestions.

"Stick with that story if it suits you," she said. Then, with a big grin, she added, "You're like the snake that slithered into Eden and caused all the trouble for Adam and Eve, aren't you? I can't wait to see what you do for an encore."

"Oh? I don't know," I said in a meditative state of my own, "so you think slithered is the right verb do you?"

Joy Cometh in the Morning

"You know, the longer I live, the more I feel that the great wheeze in life is to be jolly well sure of what you want."
                                                                       -- Bertie Wooster

I wonder if you are familiar with the works of the poet Browning. It is his words that I remember each morning in my attempt to put the proper English on the day. The lark is on the wing, the snail, the thorn; God is in his Heaven and the bluebird is strutting her stuff. Or words to that effect.

If you've no time for poets, Browning or otherwise, then you might string along with the psalmist who said, "Joy cometh in the morning." That about sums it up for me. No matter how active the slings, no matter how thick the air with arrows, when the new day arrives, it frees us from the limitations of yesterday.

But I confess this was not my mood as I upholstered the outer crust for meditation in the courtyard at Straw Valley this past weekend. It was a somber morning full of thoughts on what life was to be like without Lucy in the house. Somber yes but the Genome does not eat pine needles and he maintains zero tolerance for the activities of Princess Amy, as I'm sure I don't have to remind you.

I was more or less a thing of fire and steel as I drove through the streets of the Renaissance District and blew into the doors of Dulce Cafe. I don't suppose I've been this close in years to shouting the ancient battle cry of the Jarls but just as the the mouth opened to vent, I spotted a familiar form in the shadows.

"Morning, Vinnie," I cried to The Enforcer causing him to miss the lips and dribble coffee down the chin. His reaction was much like the warhorse upon hearing the bugles, not that I've seen them first hand mind you, but I'm told that they start, they quiver, they paw the field and rejoice in their strength saying, "Ha ha" among the trumpets. Well, give or take a "Ha" or two, that was pretty much Vinnie.

I took my seat with Ms Wonder on one side and The Enforcer on the other with the feeling that these two had been ordained from the beginning to be with me on this morning. As the storm raged in the soul, I was seated at a table with the civilian equivalent of the United States Marines. All would be well is the thought that filled the coconut.

After a few minutes talking of this and that, something caught my attention coming through the door.  "What's wrong?" asked the Wonder, looking at me with concern. "You look like a startled cat." Then she said something about it being very becoming on me. But I barely heard the words.

There are times, to be sure, when one with a burden of woe is happy to welcome any acquaintance to the table, even a disambiguated one with a marked resemblance to a barnyard fowl, but this morning wasn't one of them. What I found particularly irksome in the Duck Man was the look he wore of owning the world and having paid cash for it, avoiding finance charges.

When he took his seat, he opened a discourse on a subject of interest only to him and he refused to relinquish the floor even when vigorously opposed. In fact, he seemed to relish the opportunity to offend. 

Even when Mary arrived--the good and deserving Mary who always has something of interest to say and who always leaves us feeling encouraged and optimistic, even this Mary was buffeted by the Duck Man's insistence on attention.

"Please join us," I said to Mary hoping against hope that we could turn the tide of avian impersonators and save the morning. "I'm sorry," she said, "I need to hurry home and get ready for church." As she walked away, Vinnie gave the Duck Man a quick glance and then called out to Mary, "Pray for us, Mary."

That having been accomplished, I pushed off and got on with meditation in the courtyard. Live comes hard and fast--accept any help that comes your way, no matter the source.

Splitting Time

Space-time is one not two dimensions, as I'm sure I don't need to tell you, what with Google and Wikipedia and whatnot. You can think of it as God's fanny pack where he keeps all his stuff. You don't have to think of it that way, of course, I'm just saying that you can if you like.

What few realize--few outside the Brothers of Cool and the followers of Wen the Eternally Surprised--is that space and time are not an integrated whole but more of a smash-up. Most importantly, space and time have an inverse relationship and it's that relationship that allows for all the fun.

If you slow down time, not that you would, but if you did, then space becomes much larger. Compress space and time speeds up but, be very, very careful, because when space is mushed together even a little, it begins to hot up.

In my tenure as an acolyte of Wen, I was introduced to many techniques for taking advantage of this inverse R but the only one I mastered, if it is mastered, is the technique of splitting time. Don't let the term mislead you, splitting time is nothing like splitting the atom. It merely refers to stepping outside the present moment into the interstitial spaces between moments.

It may be helpful to think of space-time like a big jar of marbles, except that for it to be really accurate, the jar has no walls and there are an infinite number of marbles. Your life, if you call it a life, moves from moment to moment--marble to marble--at the point where the marbles touch.

To split time, you step outside the present moment into the space between, which is also infinite, and you move around the moments until you come to one you like the look of and then step back into time. From your perspective--you may want to remember what you've read of Einstein--you are in the future but to those around you, the time is now and you're the weird guy wearing outdated fashion.

I teach this technique in my Fierce Qigong classes but you don't need the classes to play around. If you get in trouble just step into any moment and look for the people wearing the purple jackets and the Bofo masks. They can help you get where you want to go.

That's all there is to it. Have fun. No need to thank me, it's the least I can do. By the way, you can move into the past just as easily but I don't recommend it. The past is a much more dangerous country than the future. 

That Familiar Feeling of Impending Doom

I woke this morning with an unusually large sea of cats around me. I don't know how many cats are the recommended maximum dose for an adult but I'm sure as hell that it's not all of them. I began levering them out of the way and as I did so I became increasingly aware of a feeling of impending doom.

I know you're thinking that the Genome is jumping the rails. But I'm not actually saying that the cats are responsible for the feeling of foreboding. Not even a brindled cat can bring that much damage in a single morning. The feeling I had was undoubtedly the work of Princess Amy, that bad apple of the limbic system.

If you've been following along, you will be familiar with this princess and her dirty work. She has a tendency to stir things up from time to time by pushing the thalamus around causing an imbalance in naturally occurring brain chemicals called feel-good hormones. If left unchecked, civilization staggers and Hell's foundations are shaken.

"Not today, Amy," I said to myself and then, "Poopsie, I have a feeling of impending doom." This last statement arose at the sound of soft footsteps coming down the hall. When those footsteps entered the room, she looked my way and burst into laughter on the magnitude of a steam boiler explosion. Sometimes I wonder if cossack blood runs in the veins of this descendent of the Russian Enlightenment.

"Not funny," I said.

"But, Beignet is stretched across you like you're a moose that he's just brought down, and Uma is on your pillow looking like the hat Daniel Boone wore." She said as though she felt it excused her laughter.

"A moose?" I said, offended not a little. And neither would you be only a little offended if the woman you loved described you that way.

"No, not a moose," she said. "Boone, as in Daniel, and why do you think you won't enjoy yourself today?"

"Well you know how it is," I said, "some mornings shine with promise of a day that will be the merriest of all the glad new year and others not so much."

She gave me a look that included a moue. It is called a moue I believe, when someone shoves out the puckered lips and then pulls them back to starting position?

After a moment of silence, which by the way is always to be avoided, I said, "In many ways, life at the moment has its drawbacks."

On this solemn note, the phone on my beside suddenly tootled, causing me to skip to the high hills, which dislodged Beignet somewhere into the surrounding air. Glancing at the screen on the phone, I saw that some species of Aunt was on the other end of the call.

"This might be a good time to order the lilies," I said to Ms Wonder but it was too late. She'd disappeared into the salle de bains.

You Can't Go Wrong With a Full Moon

I moved a few cats from the bedside table to make room for the strengthening cup of ginger tea that Ms Wonder had just delivered. "Good morning, Ms Poopsie," I said, "am I correct to assume that it's morning."

"It's a beautiful day," she said opening the curtains to let the sun-smile in and then she gave me a peculiar look, which led me to wondering just what she meant by that remark.

We will soon be celebrating our 31st Halloween together and I must say that it's been more good than bad, just like each individual moment is more g than b. But then I suppose that 31 years is just a bunch of individual moments all bunged together until they make one big mountain of time.

We first met when this daughter of the Russian Enlightenment provided pumpkin-shaped cookies and apple cider for the inmates of the 2010 Nasa Road One in Clear Lake City, Texas. 

On that day, so many Halloween parties ago, I was on friendly terms with her facilities engineer, Enrique. By that I mean that we had downed a good number of Dos Equis together. 

But I knew this Wonder Woman not at all. I wanted to know her for she had a profile that would have the sultans and pashas clamoring to win her consent to join the quality harem. And that hasn't changed.

When I asked Enrique, that deserving son of Monterrey, about her status, he informed me that she was affianced and soon to walk the center aisle while the customers remove their hats and the organ plays "The Voice that Breathed O'er Eden."

I don't know if you've had the experience, perhaps not, but in my school years, I once blocked traffic underneath the basketball net to allow Mitchell Chambers elbow room for the lay-up. 

Pay close attention because I am coming to the salient point. Being more mindful than I of the options in the moment, Mitchell made a choice that I had overlooked as being a possibility and passed the ball directly to me.

Well, I don't need to tell you the aftermath of passing a basketball at close quarters to a teammate who is not expecting it--ruin and damnation ensues, that's what. 

It was an equally disastrous R and D that ensued upon learning that Wonder had so recently been taken out of circulation. I took it hard. The tremors reverberated, if that's the word, from brilliantined top knot to shoe sole. But what can the preux chevalier do in these circs?

One is either preux or one isn't, of course, and the only option for a parfait knight, like the Genome, is to accept the situation and get on with life. Live life on life's terms, is the way I've heard it said.

And so the long winter wore on until the day my office door opened and a face like a Mexican leprechaun peeked round to say, "She came in looking sour this morning and when I asked her about it, she said, I'll tell you what the problem is. That pig-headed, tyranical, uncompromising, jack-in-office that I have the good fortune to no longer be engaged to, that's the problem."

Do I need to say that two minutes later I was in her office with the rent check and a suggestion that what might cheer her up was the new romantic comedy opening on Friday at the Bijou? She accepted the offer. It surprised me no less than it surprised you to learn of it. 

Perhaps for her it was merely something do to pass the time, but for me, it was like hearing you'd been chosen for a second interview in heaven. And what of it if on that Friday, when we parked at the theatre, I tried to get out of the car before unbuckling? I think you understand.

This woman is the brightest star in my firmament and I am so grateful for so many things that went right--that Enrique was on my side, that the movie was about a loser who is transformed when he falls in love with one of the quality, and, oh yeah, I'm grateful that the movie was about a great big, full moon too. One can't go wrong with a full moon.