Love A Good Mystery

This morning was another of those near perfect Camelot style mornings in late summer. I was particulary bucked having come off an evening in Southport mingling with the crew on the set of The Waterfront, the newest movie production to be set in that jewel of the Carolina coast.

 

When Irv arrived at Egret Coffee Bar and Dance Club, I was reading a book Ms. Wonder had recommended.  She said it would 'do me good'. 

She was on a river tour getting photos for her next art show and I was to meet her at the docks in a couple of hours. I knew she'd expect me to have started the thing by then.

"What'cha reading?" asked the Islander.

"It's a little thing Wonder recommended," I said.

"Trying to improve you," he said. "You could use a little improvement."

I closed the book and was about to respond to that crack about needing improvement. But I gave it a second thought and decided that he was probably right.

Irv turned the book around to better see the cover. "Until the End of Time," he said. "A subject broad and deep. Any good?"

"Is it good?" I said "It's like this."

But I stopped in mid-sentence because I'd suddenly had one of those ideas that pop up, seemingly out of nowhere, like the demon king in a Thai water opera.

"I can't give you a better example of what this book is like than by reading a random passage from the book. Listen to this," I said and I opened the book and began to read.

"An essential factor, too, is that there wasn't a single, isolated evolutionary flip-book. Every cell division in every organism occupying every nook and cranny of the planet contributed to the Darwinian narrative. Some of these storylines fizzled. Most added nothing new to the ongoing plot. But some provided unexpected twists that would develop into their own evolutionary flip-book."

I closed the book and sipped my coffee because I thought it might add a bit of gravitas to the occassion. You, of course, might have a different opinion and if you do, please leave a comment.

"I'm sure the author is perfect correct," I said, "but it's a bit heavy to spring on a guy with a morning head."

On hearing those words, his expression turned quizzical and I had the strange feeling that he'd given the next question a lot of thought and had wanted to ask it for a while. I don't know why I had that feeling. Just a passing fancy, you think?

"Why you?" he said. "I mean why does she try to mold you?"

"It's no mystery," I said. "She sees promise in me. She wants to bring me up to her level mentally. She does her best too, but I'm more of a physical operator than mental, if you follow me."

"I understand perfectly," he said. "I've always said that the difference in your mental and physical makeup is that  physically, you have substance."

"And you're wrong about it not being a mystery," he said. "Everyone agrees that trying to improve you is contrary to her normally astute and insightful manner."

"There is no mystery!" I said and I said it with feeling. "She believes in me because I try hard to please. And who the hell do you mean when you say everyone?"

His brow furrowed once more as though he were deep in thought but I didn't fall for it. He's never been more than ankle-deep in thought as long as I've known him.

"Hmmm," he said, "no I don't think it's because you try hard but I do love a good mystery and I'm going to analyze the thing further until I find the solution." 

"For the last time, there is no mystery!"

Irv opened his mouth to reply but what he actually said was, "Oh, here she is now."

And despite my doubts that even a woman with her powers could materialize on Castle Street when she was supposed to be on the Riverwalk, Irv was right. There she was.

I wanted to ask how she did it. She makes a habit of shimmering in and out of places. That's where the real mystery lies, if you ask me. But before I could ask, she glanced at the book and her face suddenly took on the look of a vegetarian who had just been served a leg of lamb.

"I read your manuscript on the boat," she said, "and you haven't even started the book I suggested for you."

"I don't understand you," I said. "How can you say I haven't started it. Here it is and you can see by the bookmark that I've read the first several chapters."

"What's the title of that book," she said.

"Until the End of Time," I said holding the book up for her to see.

"And which book did I recommend?" she said.

I looked at the book again as if I expected to find the answer to her question on the cover.

"Not Until the End of Time?" I said.

"I recommended, From Here to Eternity," she said.

Once more I looked at the book in my hands.

"They're close," I said. "A mistake anyone could have made."

"You see," said Irv, "an intriguing mystery. I'm going to enjoy working on this one but it's plain to see that if it's to be solved I'll need the help of all the others."

Something Fresh

The sunshine of a fair summer morning fell graciously on Wilmawood. All along the downtown business district its heartening warmth infused traffic and pedestrians alike with a live and let-live mood. A light, carefree morning.

Bus drivers courteously eased out into traffic when pulling away from the curb. Policemen whistled happy tunes as they patrolled their beats. Dogs pranced ahead of their humans greeting all the passersby with a friendly tail wag.

Of all the spots in Wilmawood, that rise from Riverwalk to the heights of mid-town, none are more deserving of being described as a downtown Camelot.

At precisely nine o'clock the door of 601 Castle Street opened and the Claudia and Lupe duo steeped into Egret Coffee Bar and Dance Club. They were there to meet me.

"Lupe," I said getting right down to it without so much as one word of preamble, I've finally opened that gate and stepped out onto the yellow brick road. I'm on my way to the Emerald City. Nothing can stop me now."

"Watch out for flying monkeys," she said.

"Pay no attention to monkeys," I said, "nor torpedoes for that matter. It's full speed ahead for me."

There was a moment of silence when I expected a reply. I decided to fill it.

"My mom lived in the Emerald City for a while," I said.

"Don't get sidetracked," Lupe said. "Why are you so happy?"

I'm an optimist, Lupe," I said. "Always have been."

"Not really," she said.

"The older I get, the more I agree with Shakespeare about it always being darkest before the storm."

"The dawn," she said.

"I'm sorry," I said, "what did you say?"

"It's darkest before the dawn," she said. "And it wasn't Shakespeare."

"There's always a silver lining," I said. "and whatever you lose on the backswing, you make up on the followthrough."

"I couldn't say," she said.

"No matter, my friend," I said. "The point is that yesterday I was a mug expecting to get it in the neck and today I'm walking on the clouds and sitting on a rainbow and I'm singing while the sunbeams light up the sky."

"I have no idea what you're going on about," she said.

Did I mention that Claudia was with us? She was. I looked at her to get her thoughts.

"Don't look at me," she said.

"Doesn't matter," I said. "I've taken my problem to a higher power and that H.P. has come up with a plan."

"He's talking about Ms. Wonder," Lupe told Claudia.

"What a woman," I said. "What a brain. It must be all the fish she eats. Omega 3 oils and whatnot."

"Possibly," said Claudia.

"It's wild-caught Alaskan chinook," I said.

"I doubt it's the fish," said Lupe.

"You may be right," I said. "I remember her saying once that her mother thought she was a bright child. Perhaps she's just one of the gifted few."

"What about the Emerald City?" said Claudia.

"Yeah," said Lupe.

"Hang onto your hats, girls," I said. "I'm going to publish The Circular Journey in book form."

"Wait a sec," said Lupe. "I thought it was going to be adapted for the stage."

"And don't call us, girls," said Claudia.

"Is that it?" said Lupe. "A book."

"Yes, a book," I said. "And before we get our knickers in a wad, perhaps I should open the curtains and let you get a look of the man working the machinery."

"Not just any book. It's my book. The off-broadway boys want me to make changes and wholesale changes at that. But I'm not that kind of writer. I don't have any particular message that I'm trying to broadcast to the world.

"I just like creating a world where I feel safe and entertained. I'm still plugging away at it and haven't run into any messages yet. It looks as though unless I'm suddenly struck with a spiritual mission, humanity will remain a message short.

"Still, despite our ups and downs--I'm speaking of the two of you--we've somehow become pals. I see you as cute and funny, even though Lupe has a hot temper and a short fuse. And you two agree that I'm looney to the eyebrows. It all works out. Everything's nice and matey."

They looked at each other and then beamed a great big grin of agreement at me.

"Good," I said. "Let's keep it that way."

Make It So

The day began in the usual way. Up early with words to write, as if words could make right the muddle of the heart. Oh, sorry. I've jumped the rails. Came close to writing poetry there for a second. 

Good thing I caught myself in time. I sometimes think I can get away with it just one last time but then it always snags me. One is all it takes as the man said.

As I was saying, nothing unusual about the start of the morning. But that's a recurring theme with me, isn't it? There's never a warning about things to come. 

What I should have said at the beginning of this post is that I'd just gotten off the phone when Ms. Wonder came into my little corner of the world.

"Was that you're agent on the phone just now?" she said.

"It was," I said still in wonder of it all.

"Well, what's the news?" she said. "I can tell by that look on your face that something's up? You look like, the heroine of Israel? What's her name?"

"You're thinking of Jael," I said. "the wife of Heber. Do I look that happy?"

"You do," she said, "but I don't remember what she did exactly."

"She hammered a tent stake into the head of Israel's enemy while he was sleeping on her couch," I explained.

Hearing my words, her brow wrinkled and her eyes looked just a little worried.

"Let's pass over all that," she said. "Just tell me what your agent said."

"You're not going to believe it," I said.

"Don't tell me they're still talking about adapting your blog for the stage," she said.

"Nothing to do with that old gag," I said. "You see it's like this."

And then I told her the whole story about the Baptist deacon in Charlotte who found his daughter reading my blog and decided to read a few random posts to make sure it was up to snuff. He didn't like it. He spoke to his pastor who phoned the Wilma News. 

"Oh no!" she said.

"Apparently the religion columnist reviewed my blog in the current edition. He described my work using adjectives that I find harsh and reactionary and Fox News worthy.”

"Genome!" she said. "This is terrible. What will you do?"

"I suppose an honorable man like myself should write the columnist and thank him. You see since the article came out, The Circular Journey has received more followers than the previous all-time total."

"Ohhhhh," she said.

"Yes," I said. "My agent called to let me know that a couple of studios are considering bringing the blog to a larger audience."

"Larger audience?"

"That's right," I said. "A Wilmawood production."

"Genome?" she said.

"Yes?" I said.

“You’ll lose your anonymity.”

“You mean people will know my true identity. Yes I see. Something to consider for sure. Still, it’s not like I’m in the witness protection program.”

“Aren’t you? But never mind that. My question is can we do the same for my art?"

"All things are possible for those who believe," I said and I thought it pretty cool. Still do. Quotable I think.

“Let’s generate some scandalous scuttlebutt about your art.”

“Data,” she said, “engage!”

The Summer Wind

Waterford was basking in the comforting warmth of a late summer morning. The skies were uniformly blue and the sunshine uniformly cheery. V-shaped depressions might be throwing their weight around in other areas along the coast but here the barometer enjoyed a zen-like repose.

Along the canals, bluebirds were singing some of the classic tunes from the 40's and 50's. The fruit of palmetto palms flashed in the sun like orange pearls. The late azaleas shone in the early morning sun like jewels. The lagoons shimmered like liquid silver. And the ducks. Well, the ducks were like ducks. 

Cooling summer breezes came drifting in from across the sea and the entire world seemed new underneath the blue umbrella sky. It was a good day to be alive and I felt it.

"Poopsie!" I called up the stairway in the direction of the sanctum that I'm sure you know well by now. "Poopsie, I feel good." There was no answer. Probably on an international call. That's where I usually find her.

I got upholstered in the outerwear of a coastal gentleman because today was the day I was to meet my new dermatologist. Before you go off the deep end, let me explain. It wasn't a doctor's appointment that had me bucked. It was an opportunity to explore an unfamiliar district of Wilma. Always a pleasure.

It was the work of an instant for me to crank the self-starter in Wynd Horse and virtually fly down Grandiflora and across the Cape Fear River to Wrightsville Beach. I refer to the town and not to the boardwalk. The boardwalk I'm familiar with already. Who isn't?

The derma office was a pleasant enough place. There was a passing annoyance of the urge to cough too much in the waiting room but I fought it down with a swig of organic, refined guava syrup. I know! Guava syrup! Who'd have guessed it was the coffee sweetener provided for clients?

The coughing fit was alleviated somewhat when my attention was captured by the office terrier, who insisted on getting scratched behind the ears. That's right! A dog in the office. This place was beginning to be as entertaining as the boardwalk. And it was just the beginning.

In minutes, I was escorted to the examing room where the doctor introduced herself and her office attire was the biggest surprise of the day. Instead of the usual lab smock or scrubs that one usually sees in healthcare services, she was dressed like a golfer on her way to an early tee time. Come to think of it, no reason why she shouldn't have a date with girlfriends to get in a quick nine or even eighteen before lunch.

The doctor was very efficient but personable and after a few comments about the top of the scalp, the right ear, and the left shoulder, she wrote a script and I was on my way. The day had begun perfectly and I was ready to enjoy a beautiful afternoon. I toyed with the idea of motoring down to Ocean Isle.

Back on the road listening to Frank Sinatra singing Summer Wind, my attention was again diverted. This time it was a voice in my head.

"Genome," said the voice, and I'm sure it's one as familiar to you as to me. 

"Genome, that spot on your ear," she said.

"What about it?" I said and I put a lot of topspin on it because I wanted it to sting. The very idea, I thought, of my own limbic system working against me when I was thoroughly enjoying myself.

"What if it's cancer?" she said. "It could be cancer."

"It's not cancer," I said. "It's nothing."

"It might be," she said, "and she's going to remove that spot on your scalp when you come back in October. What's that going to be like? You'll probably need to wear a hat for who knows how long."

"No big deal," I said. "My mom had those things removed all the time."

"Yeah, and the healing process was ugly. You don't need any more unpleasant-looking spots."

"Go away," I said. The conversation was bringing me down and I resented her messing with my head.

"At least she'll freeze the top of your head," she said. "That'll be a good thing."

"Why do you say it will be good?"

"Well, having your head frozen can only improve things for you," she said.

That was the last straw. I refused to respond to any more of her comments even though the comments kept coming until I got home.

"Poopsie!" I called up the stairway. "Something terrible has happened.”

"What's wrong?" she said coming down the stairs to console me if consoling was needed.

"What did the doctor say?" she said. "Did she find something wrong?"

"It's not the doctor," I said. "It's Princess Amy. She's back."

Squirrel Neighbors

We have a squirrel living with us at 2222 Forest Lane. When I say 'living with us,' I mean that he resides in the trees overshadowing our fence row. You could say he lives in the guest house if a tree can be a guest house.

I know that Mutter, that's the name I gave him, Mutter doesn't consider his home a guest house. He probably sees me as an intruder. I’m sure when our house was built, he must have watched the construction and complained to his spouse about the intrusion.

Every time I step outside to feed the birds—and, yes, the squirrels too, and I use the plural form because there are several living close to us. As I was about to say, I see him perched on the fence, or gliding through the branches, or scolding me from somewhere in the foliage. He makes it clear that he doesn't approve of my nearness to his home. And who can blame him, really?

One evening I saw him sitting on the fencerow that separates my backyard from his bit of woodland. He seemed to be watching me watching him. He wore a look that expressed his dissatisfaction, or perhaps his suspicion that I was up to no good. I know that he suspects me, much like the efficient Baxter, Lord Emsworth's secretary, suspects everyone.

If the previous paragraph got past you like a fastball, don't worry because just as the man wrote in his letter, now we see through a glass, darkly, but then all will be revealed. Not a direct quote but you get the gist I think.

 

Watching him through the French windows of the lanai, I didn't immediately realize that his friend and cohort in mischief was climbing the screen of the lanai. That's right! I don't exaggerate when I say that Breezer, the friend, was clinging to the screen about eight feet off the ground.

This was simply over the line. Too much! I'm completely sympathetic to the disappointment and perhaps even chagrin of the original inhabitants of 2222 Forest Lane, Waterford, but the present behavior was a hair short of breaking and entering. I couldn't have it.

I mean consider the birds. They live here too and that's a documented fact that can be proven in court. They don't hold a grudge. We all live in harmony. I feed them twice daily and in return, they sing and fly about bringing sweetness and light. In fact, several birds were feeding along the fence even as I watched Breezer climb the screen.

I waved my arms in the air to let the miscreant know that his behavior was unacceptable. Nothing, he simply looked at me as if to say, Yeah, what're you going to do about it? I realized then that steps would have to be taken. I moved close to the French windows and said, "Don't make me open this door...do not make me. I will open this door."

Still nothing. Probably because the door was closed and he couldn't hear me. Still, I repeated it with increased volume, cadence, rhythm, and inflection to make sure it was recognized as a dire warning. You know, like my parents used to do. 

"Don't make me open this door."

Nothing. Not an iota of change in the goings-on.

There was nothing else to do. I opened the door. It was like Gabriel had sounded the coming of Judgement Day. The crows launched themselves into the air in all directions. The doves and songbirds seemed unsure about what action they should take, if any, but it was a different matter altogether with the squirrels.

The crow evacuation was a noisy one and at the sound, the squirrels froze in place, like the sassy little peasant children you read about in fairy tales who get uppity with a wizard and then find themselves unable to move. They stared at each other as if to say, What now?

I stepped onto the lanai. Breezer dropped onto the ground and scampered toward the fence. Mutter launched himself into the foliage and began cruising through the branches.

In hindsight, the whole thing was like the behavior you might expect from those workers of iniquity made famous in that New York Times best-selling book.

From the lanai, I scanned the yard and saw that Mutter had stopped on a branch that gave him a clear view of me and the backyard. Breezer had climbed to the top of the fence where he stopped to look my way again.

Realizing that they were a safe distance from me and had succeeded in annoying me more than a little, they couldn't resist self-satisfied flicks of tails and expressions that told me they were full of themselves. 

"Mission accomplished," they seemed to say.

I suppose this means we may never be friends. Not real friends. Because making friends takes time and effort on both sides. But I'll keep trying. Maybe one day.