Embrace Your Curiosity

Cats are skilled negotiators. And none is more skillful than Uma Maya, Empress of Chatsford Hall. She's able to convince me to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants without a single word. I believe that Catherine the Great had the same effect on the Orlov brothers.

Uma has gotten too old to climb stairs but it's not a problem for her because she gets me to carry her up whenever she feels the urge to view the world from a second-floor window. In fact, she's gone so far as to train me.

Each morning at 6:00 AM, I get out of bed and make my way to the bottom of the staircase where I find her waiting for me. She is already in position looking up the stairs. I place one hand under her chest and one behind her butt. She then sits in my hand and up the stairs we go.

Uma uses methods far less grandiose than C the Great but her quiet persuasion has left an indelible mark on our mornings together. The ritual of carrying her up the stairs has become a big part of our spiritual bond, a testament to the intriguing ways in which she and I share our lives.

There is a specific reason why she wants to be in the window seat at that hour; the big yellow school bus stops on the street just below her window. Her face lights up with excitement and her eyes show an intense focus whenever the bus stops, lights flashing in the pre-dawn darkness, and the children begin making a big fuss to climb aboard.

I admit that I too find it an exciting way to start the day.

You're probably wondering how and why a grown man is so easily manipulated by a 9-pound calico furball. But if I explained, I'd have to begin by describing what my childhood was like and then discuss all that unpleasantness during the decade of excess, and I just don't feel like going into it right now.

The short of it is that our morning ritual is a reminder that we all have our quirks and oddities that make us who we are. As one good friend recently put it, We're all a complex mess! So while it may seem a little looney to some, I prefer to think of it this way: the most interesting people often dance to music that only they can hear.

I love watching Uma as she's watching the bus that we fondly refer to as Juliet. We took the name from the phrase that goes, "What light from yonder window breaks...something, something, and Juliet..." Do you know it? It belongs to the Bard--not Google's Bard; the Stratford on Avon guy, who seems to have had a way with words that Generative AI can only achieve in its dreams.

Watching Uma as she eagerly waits for the big yellow every morning with such intense curiosity makes me wonder if she feels that she's missing something by not being on that bus. Perhaps she muses that a day in school might expose her to the finer points of stalking mice. Impossible to know exactly what's going through her mind. Cats keep their deepest passions close to their heart.

Uma's fascination with the big yellow school bus taught me that curiosity knows no bounds. Just as she ponders the mysteries of the passing bus, I wonder about the ever-changing world around me. 

Uma's eloquence, though silent, motivates me to embrace my own curiosity. For all I know, the constant pursuit of understanding is the path to the unexpected joys of life. The thought gives me a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

Ride a Wild Wind

We had borscht for dinner last night. Ms Wonder said it was beet and sweet potato soup but I've lived in the vicinity of this old Russian soul long enough to recognize her MO. It may have had lentils and chickpeas mixed in with the cabbage and other members of the veggie kingdom but that was all subterfuge and misdirection. It was borscht alright. 

I don't blame the borscht for my sleepless night. I was already feeling the familiar sense of impending doom way before dinner. It was a feeling much like that felt by victims of lightning strikes just before the psychedelic brain waves. I haven't made a study of lightning strick victims but I've heard that such a feeling is common and I have no doubt that it's true.

"Something wrong?" asked the Wonder when I entered the boudoir amidst a tidal wave of cats.

"You need to ask, do you?"

"Qigong exam?" she said.

"No, not that," I said, "it's something that Amy Normal was talking about yesterday in Native Grounds. Vampire cats."

"Is that the band that covered that old Bob Dylan song? What is it, rainy day something?"

"No, not a musical group; actual furry cats but living an alternative lifestyle of vampires. Vampire cats! And what she said about them gave me quite a start."

"I wouldn't worry about it," she said. "Amy has a rich, varied, and vivid imagination."

"When you say Amy, are referring to Amy Normal, Native Grounds barista and backup mistress of the greater Durham night, or do you mean the little princess that lives in my head?"

"I'm certain of it," she said, leaving me to guess the answer to my question. "Still, even though we know it's only an Amy thing, it couldn't have been pleasant for you to hear it. Poor baby."

I didn't like that last part--the bit about the baby but I let it go because this Wonder is a master of diversion and subterfuge.

"Oh, I took it in stride," I said, which wasn't exactly the case but one doesn't like to look weak when discussing life's slings and arrows with these Helen of Troy types.

"Wore the coat loosely?" she said.

"Like Peter Rabbit," I said.

"You made your escape?"

"A strategic retreat," I said, "following the example set by Napoleon."

"Ah," she said, "perfect analogy. You refer to Napoleon leaving Moscow."

"How do you mean?" I said, not getting the drift.

"Well," she said. "he had to steal a sleigh, commandeer a team of horses, and then hightail it through the snow-covered countryside in the dark of night with the Russian cavalry on his trail. He couldn't have enjoyed that either, now could he?"

"No, I suppose not," I said wondering where she was going with the Russian motif.

Ms Wonder often speaks the soothing word in season and by the time she finished the history lesson, I was feeling much better.  

Leaving the stable in the company of Wynd Spirt and Quinn, I was singing along with the Andrews Sisters to their signature song, 'Hold Tight.' Princess Amy doesn't have a chance of keeping the mood in the lower registers when singing a song, which is amazingly subtitled, 'Want Some Seafood, Momma?' 

Little wonder that all things seemed to be coming up roses.

As I listened to the tunes, I felt an intense pang of joy but, with a little investigation, determined that it was only hypomania and no need to redecorate the house or change the wardrobe. 

By the time I entered Native Grounds, the blue bird was perched on my shoulder singing, if I remember correctly, an old Italian folk song.

 It's at times like these that I pity the people who don't want to ride a wild wind or to dance with the devil on a Saturday night. All they want is a careful garden that blossoms and withers according to season. But I'm not included in their number. 

No, the Genome is bent in a different direction. I like the storms that sweep away the everyday and get something new started. Makes me feel in touch with something greater than myself. Sooner or later, no matter how chaotic the present moment, Reason will return to her throne and all will be right with the world again.

Sometimes the best thing one can do is hold tight and wait for the gale to peter out. 

Now I know what you're thinking. What's all this got to do with vampire cats? Nothing. But what's it matter? The point is that we can never know where life is headed and we aren't in control of outcomes. Instead of fretting about; better to let be what will be. Que sera sera and all that.

You Know You Should be Glad

"Ms. Wonder," I said, "don't open any cabinet doors today. Doing so may very well spell disaster." I said it with vim if that's the word because it seemed to me that Life was up to her usual practical jokes and was busy piling stuff on the other side of doors so that when an innocent bystander opened one, ka-boom! Buried under a mountain of circumstances. I for one was fed up with circumstances.

"Sorry, Babe," she said, giving me a kiss on the head, "but I don't have time for it this morning. My new boss is in town and we're giving her a luncheon today."

"You can't give me short shrift; is that the term--short shrift?" I said to the back of her back as she left the salle de bains for the dressing room.

"Yes, short shrift, is perfectly correct," she said. "You could also say, quick work, or even kick in the teeth."

"That's it," I said, "you're giving me a kick in the teeth. Where's the old rally round spirit? That's what I'd like to know."

"I'm sorry, sweetie," she said and you notice how she tried to use vocabulary to cover up the lack of compassion? Well, it wasn't working for me. I was taking a line through Napoleon on this one and was prepared to march the troops to Moscow if I had to or sail the fleet to Egypt if that works better for you.

"It doesn't help to say you're sorry when I'm left in the lurch, reeling from the blows, tossed in the storm…"

"Alright," she said, coming to a stop in the middle of a herd of cats, "what's up?"

"That's better," I said. "I'll tell you what's up because I know that deep down inside you're a loving person who wants nothing but happiness for your Genome. I know that you devote your life to helping me get through the day with a smile on my face. I know that when the Red Queen is shouting Run for your life! you're there advising deep breaths…"

"Yeah, yeah, move it along," she said. "I've got ten minutes to be out of here."

"Alright, then," I said and took a moment to marshall the thoughts, "it's like this. I was sitting in Barnes and Noble yesterday morning and I happened to notice a young man at the next table clicking gaily on a keyboard and smiling in a way that said Life is wonderful and what a marvelous time it is to partake of it all ."

I paused to see if she was taking it well. "With me so far?" I said.

"Go on," she said with a wave of the hand.

"Well, the whole thing was inspiring. I wanted to feel that way too. So I opened my tablet and began clicking keys but what to do with those keys, that was the question that presented itself. YouTube I wondered? 

But, no, that was no good. I've overdosed on Jimmy Fallon with Margo Robbie, and the same can be said for Conan O'Brien with Keven Nealon. 

Then I thought about listening to a favorite podcast. No, I do that several times a day already. You see where this is going, Poopsie? The mental horizon was growing dark. Princess Amy was getting restless. Then it came to me, out of the blue as it were. Facebook!"

"Facebook?" she said. "Do you frequent Facebook?

"Well, don't say it like that," I said. "Yes, Facebook. I have lots of friends on Facebook. I have friends that I haven't contacted for much too long. I have friends that I've never contacted. I have friends that I don't even know. I know the names of their children, how they vote, what brand of faith they adhere to. The works. But I wouldn't know them if they walked into Native Grounds and ordered a latte."

"Did that make you feel better?" she said. "Connecting with friends on Facebook?"

"Well, the anticipation of having fun reduced the stress-related cortisols so I'd have to answer, Yes, it did make me feel better in the beginning. By the way," I said in an aside, "did you know that Ava Marie muds her kitchen ceiling in a tiara?"

She didn't answer, at least not verbally, but she did cross her arms and begin tapping a foot. That was sort of an answer I suppose.

"Well, anyway," I said, "there I was sitting in a bookstore trying to think of something to write on my status line and I couldn't think of anything. It was depressing."

"Don't let it get to you," she said," it's just one of those things."

"It is not just one of those things," I said.  "It's one damned thing after another, that's what it is."

"Try laugh yoga," she said and I could make nothing of it. Laugh yoga? The two didn't seem to go together.

"It's a technique of laughing when you don't feel like it and you keep laughing until you do feel like it."

"Fake it till you make it?"

"Something like that?"

"You think it will work?"

"Can't hurt."

"I'll wait until you leave for work, shall I?"

"Sure," she said, "I understand completely."

I didn't begin laughing when she left the house. I waited until I was driving to my morning hangout and stopped at a traffic light. "Ha ha," I said as though reading it from a script. "Ha ha ha." Nothing but silly, if that. 

I looked through the window of the car stopped next to me to make sure I wasn't being watched. "Hee hee hee." No better. Then I thought of, "Ho ho ho," and that felt a little better if only because it reminded me of Santa. I giggled. Then I laughed, just a little. Before I knew what was happening, I was actually laughing, not faking. It felt good. Amazing!, I thought.

"Shall I tell you what you sound like?" said Princess Amy just when I was feeling good about the laugh yoga.

"Oh, shut up," I said, "It's no big deal. It's actually a lot of fun like taking a trip to the moon on gossamer wings. You should try it."

I don't know that she actually tried it. I doubt it. But she did get quiet for a bit. Have you given it a try? I recommend it highly. Much better than hanging out in the Metaverse.

Chaos Theory Part 2

Some time ago I posted an article titled, Keeping the Faith, in which I wrote about opening up to the Universe and finding the right path that leads to a satisfying End of Days.

If you're a regular here on The Circular Journey then you probably remember that posting. If you're only an occasional visitor, then you'll probably want to read that earlier article. You can find it by clicking here, Keeping the Faith, but for the love of great Caesar's ghost don't do it now! Finish this post first.

In decades past, I had unbridled confidence in my abilities to do whatever I decided and I trusted in the Universe to work all things to my benefit. My MO was to accept the absurdities of life and abandon myself to the chaos that makes up most of the present moment. I accepted every visitor who came to my door as recommended by Rumi.

It does require a bit of practice. In the beginning, it feels like what I imagine bungee-cording off the New River bridge must feel like.

Fortunately, I was introduced to this way of life at a time when I had nothing left to lose. I abandoned myself to an unlimited life and was transported into another dimension. It was a way of life filled with blue skies, sunshine, and bluebirds.

But one day as I soared into those blue skies of happiness, I began to think that I was the agent of all my good fortune. I was special; very smart; very astute; not like all the other jamokes in the world.

While praising myself for creating the perfect life, I forgot to watch where I was going, and, like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun. The wax that held my wings together melted and I fell. 

When I say that I fell, I mean that I dropped through every energy level in all the atoms making up my body and didn't stop until I reached the basement. I ended up in a heap on the floor. It wasn't pleasant. My biographers will undoubtedly refer to it as the Great Fall. There's more detail in my bio at the top of this page.

My life had become filled with stormy confusion and violent turmoil and I was lost in the maelstrom. I felt powerless and without hope. Then one day, in all that chaos, I bumped into an opportunity for redemption. I met someone who had once lost everything too but had found a solution and was willing to show me how he had recovered. It was a second chance. A chance to start over.

This new opportunity to recover and rebuild a satisfying, productive life required that I accept the absurdities of life and abandon myself to the chaos of the present moment. Today, I welcome every visitor who comes to my door and I trust in the Universe to take care of my best interests.

My life is once more filled with blue skies, sunshine, and bluebirds. If it sounds like I've returned to where I began it's because that's the picture I'm painting. That's exactly why this blog is called The Circular Journey.

I'm not writing this particular post for your amazement or amusement. I'm writing it because I sometimes need to remind myself that I'm not in control and I'm not the agent or the cause of anything. In fact, the more I try to control the outcome of any part of my life, the bigger the mess I make of it.

My new mentor tells me that each one of us is just a big, complicated mess, and I think she may be onto something. Perhaps we weren't meant to figure life out on our own; perhaps we were meant to have help from others.

Master Wen used to say, I get lost but We find the way. Not his exact words, perhaps, but a reasonable facsimile.

Have you had a similar experience? I'd love to hear your comments. I'd love to hear anything you have to say. Here's wishing you a bit of opportunity-filled chaos. Fierce Qigong.

Keeping The Faith

Something has been bothering me--causing me not a little frustration--for quite a long while. It seems that I've been lost in let's remember. Truth be known, I've gotten my fill of it; more than the recommended dose for the average adult in my opinion.

Billy Joel wrote the song, Keeping The Faith, and in that song I feel that he speaks for me when he says, "...I would not be here now if I never had the hunger. And I'm not ashamed to say the wild boys were my friends... Cause I never felt the desire 'till their music set me on fire and then I was saved... That's why I'm keeping the faith."

 

You see, it's like this: I feel that I'm lost in the enchanted forest at the End Of Days. You realize that I speak metaphorically; there's no enchanted forest in Brunswick County. On the other hand, End of Days seems fitting for the circumstances; I'm feeling older and missing my younger days. So let's take that one literally and get on with it. 

As I was saying, here I am in the enchanted forest with lots of paths to follow, and each path has a barker (think of the barker as an influencer) who is exhorting me to step right out onto this path and manifest my dreams. Open myself to the abundance of the Universe they say. The Law of Attraction will provide me with success and wealth they say no matter how I define those terms (although someone counting 100 dollar bills is shown on the screen while I'm defining success and wealth).

You and I know, however, that we must follow our own personal path and not one that has been made by another. That's right, the quest for the holy grail. Don't worry, I'm not going to bore you with more of that old saw.

And so I've tried this and that, in an attempt to forge my own path. I tried all the usual suspects--meditation, exercise, doing a bit of good to my fellows, expressing gratitude. In other words, I've taken proper steps through proper channels but all in vain. 

I discovered years ago that the future works out in my favor when I become willing to turn my will and my life over to a Higher Power who works marvelous wonders in mysterious ways. Or as I've often heard it said, in ways that passeth all understanding.

Feeling that I had nothing left to lose, I decided to go all in. I decided to let go and stop trying to control life. You can linger too long in your dreams. Sometimes it's best to say goodbye to the oldies and look forward to the future, whatever it may bring because tomorrow ain't as bad as it seems. 

And so with no thought of turning back, I took my problems to one Who has all knowledge and is able to intercede with Life, the Universe, and Everything on my behalf. 

I'm speaking, of course, of Ms. Wonder.

"Poopsie," I said, as she sat down at the breakfast table with the second cup of the steaming brew, "do you know what I want?"

"What do you want?" she said.

"Right," I said, "what I want."

She gave me one of her patented looks. Not pleasant but not unnerving and so I decided to exhort her, like a barker might, by pushing the conversation along. It's a technique we Genomes have developed to grease the wheels of conversation.

"Well," I said. A bit weak I grant you but I had to come up with something quickly.

"Well what?" she said.

"Any ideas?" I said.

"What, if anything, are you talking about?" she said. "And let me warn you that while I may listen to some light drivel over my morning coffee, I will not under any circumstances listen to pure drivel."

This was far from the rally-round-the-flag attitude that I'd hoped for, so I thought I should try a different approach.

"What I mean," I said, "is that I'm developing a plan that will..." 

It occurred to me that this was an excellent point in the conversation to try out that new phrase and so I said:

"...lead me to a happy, fulfilling life here at the End of Days."

"And," she said.

"Well, we all know that before anyone can achieve a goal, one must know what one wants," I said.

She gave me a look that's normally reserved for the child who has just dropped her ice cream cone onto the sidewalk and who knows that she can't pick it up but desperately wants to. You know the look I mean.

"You're asking me if I know what you want?" she said.

"Well, who knows me better than you, Poopsie?" I said and I felt pretty good about it too. Nice talking point I thought.

"Here's what I'm going to do," she said. "I'm going to take my coffee upstairs and schedule a few appointments and then I'm going to do my morning yoga."

"Yes?" I said reasoning that yoga would provide her a good opportunity to meditate on my request.

I expected to hear more but she nodded slightly, gathered her goods, and ascended the staircase with lithesome grace. She always does that. It's all the yoga. Good for the grace.

I didn't get the immediate answer that I'd hoped for but that's the way these prayerful requests sometimes work. We get the answer when need it, not when we want it. I think that's right. Seems that I've heard that somewhere. Now, my task is to keep the faith and wait.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm keeping the faith. Yes I am.