Bring a Tear of Joy to My Eyes

I want to get better

I really do. Living with a spoiled little tyrant inside my head is no fun, believe me. It's a bit like Alice's experience with the Red Queen. You know what that's like. On any given day, at any given time, I'm likely to hear stuff like this:

Now, you see, you're running as fast as you can and

still you're in the same place. If you really want to get somewhere, you must run twice as fast.

This is insane thinking of course and thinking like this leads to apathy, or even worse, avolition. I know, it was a new word for me too when my therapist first used it on me. Actually, I misunderstood her to say avocation and thought she was talking about my blogging. To be fair, Princess Amy's comments are what my blog posts are all about so it was an understandable mistake.

Please don't rush off to WebMD looking for a definition. I have it for you here: Avolition is a total lack of motivation that makes it hard to accomplish anything. Apathy can keep me from wanting to write a blog post. Avolition can keep me from getting out of bed in the morning.

Solutions come when you aren't searching
Over the years I've found several ways of keeping my head above the clouds when the storms of depression, anxiety, and grief come roaring in from off-shore to assault my mindscape.

I don't want you to think that I've found any secrets. All my coping tools are well known. They include things like going for a walk in the sunshine; singing along with my favorite recording artists; and enjoying humorous books, movies, and TV.

One thing I particularly like is reading books by authors who share humorous stories about how they cope with their own mental health issues, issues similar to my own. Looking for the giggles in the absurdities of our lives seems to be a common practice for people with mood disorders.

During one of Princess Amy's recent tirades, I remembered a book that I'd started months ago but lost interest because it featured taxidermy in a very distant and unnecessary way. 

Taxidermy is one of the three subjects that I avoid in popular entertainment. The other two are anarchy and the multiple-worlds theory that claims the collapse of a quantum wave function when observing entangled particles requires a second dimension or universe. I know! You and I share the same opinion!

At any rate, I decided it would be worth the risk to give the book a second try. Taxidermy be damned, was my attitude. There was no bookmark (Remember those?) to identify where I'd left off, so I decided to read a little of each chapter until I found something that I hadn't read before.

I began with the introduction because I feel the intro is basic to full appreciation and besides a number of months had passed since reading it and I didn't remember much of it. 

I felt a little better about tackling the book when the first chapter lacked any and all references to squirrel weddings. I continued reading the second and following chapters thinking that when I got to the objectionable parts, I'd just skip over them.

When I got to the fifth chapter, I was finally in new territory. I'd found the place where I'd abandoned the story months before. Everything was new and I was enjoying the book immensely. I wondered why I'd stopped reading the book on that first attempt. 

Eventually, I came to a funny story near the end of the book that has become my favorite. The author recounted how she routinely watches movies that she thinks she's never seen only to realize when she gets to the big shebang, that she has watched the movie before.

As I read that story, I immediately realized that I'd read that story before. In fact, I'd read the entire book months earlier. Then I realized that I'd experienced exactly the same thing that I was reading about and it happened while I was reading the author's recounting of her experience.

  

I'll be the Japanese have a name for that. They have a name for everything.

It's all predictable until it isn't

It's that kind of experience, a sort of quantum-jump event, that confirms for me that my life occurs in the interstitial spaces between and outside of, the moments of the space-time continuum that Einstein made such a big fuss over.

I've written about it before. The individual moments of time are round--should I say spherical? Moments are like marbles; when crammed together they only touch at one small point. The thread of time is continuous only where the individual moments touch. There's a lot of empty space surrounding the moments and that empty space is outside time.

Now that I think about it, maybe I should give that multiple-world theory another look. Maybe I have some entangled particles in another dimension. I'll ponder it but I'm not getting anywhere near taxidermy!

"Just accept whatever comes along!" ~~ Rumi

Not a direct quote

It's not the best life but it's mine and as I navigate the quantum fields of whimsy that make up my days, I have no better option than to look for all the laughter I can find in the folly. Buffett said that if we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane.

And so rather than fight Princess Amy and wrestle with avolition, I raise a glass to the laughter that sparkles like sunlight on the sea in those interstitial spaces in the realm of the absurd.

And so, share wid me a cup Jah's sweet mercy, Breden, and we shout down Babylon and sail de ship on home to Zion. 

Fierce Qigong! ~~ The Genome

Living Life Big!

Life comes hard and fast; be ready for anything.

Those of you who've been here before are familiar with the above phrase. It's become my personal motto or the slogan that defines my worldview and the general guideline for my life. Those of you who hang onto every word I write on this blog know all about Princess Amy, the spoiled brat who controls my amygdala, the gatekeeper of my emotions, especially those emotions on the fringe of acceptability for civilized society.

Few of you, however, are familiar with the Sewer Harpies, those nasty little demons, powered by bitch dust, that haunt the darkest recesses of my mind, waiting to mess with me at the times I can least afford their heinous tricks. 

The story I offer here today will serve as an excellent example of the fresh hell they bring into my everyday existence. If you're new here, don't be concerned, I'll spin the fresh hell to make it amusing if not amazing.

Yesterday morning, on my way to the Episcopal yard sale in Shallotte, I stopped at Jumping Java for a cup of the steaming brew-ha-ha. The desire for a bit of Jah's sweet mercy had a bit of topspin brought on by a natural urge well-known to old men. 

So far, it probably sounds quite simple, and straightforward but, due to a particularly mischievous prank orchestrated by the harpies, I stumbled into a chain of events that will go down in the annals as one of my most memorable blunders.

I entered the door of the caffeine emporium, where I was greeted by cheerful baristas who called their view halloos across the floor. After placing my order I made my way to the restroom, blissfully unaware of the comedy of errors awaiting me. 

With a sense of precaution (or so I thought), I employed the toe of my shoe to raise the toilet seat and in that way maintain a semblance of cleanliness; a reasonably sensible act, don't you agree?

As I lifted the toilet seat with my foot, I was surprised to learn that only one side of the seat was held in place. In an unfortunate twist of fate, my shoe slipped a little too far into the hoop of the toilet seat leaving me standing on one foot without any other visible means of support. Time slowed down, which is usually the case just before disaster strikes. I think it's the Universe's way of rubbing it in. 

As I desperately tried to regain my balance, the inevitable occurred, and particle mechanics demonstrated the deterministic nature for which it's so well known. With a loud crash, the toilet seat detached from its porcelain throne, and I fell into the wall with a boom-cacky-lacky-lacky that reverberated throughout the previously serene coffee shop.

As fate would have it, the manager rushed to the scene and called through the closed door to ascertain my degree of health. Well, we Genomes maintain the sang froid of chilled steel in situations like these and I explained the calamity while offering an apology for the damage I'd done.

To my complete astonishment, the manager responded with a surprising laid-back remark: "Don't worry about it," he said, "happens all the time." 

I'm not sure what you make of his remark but, as for me, I doubt that ripping the seat off the toilet is something that happens regularly. However, to return to a semblance of normality as soon as possible, I decided to give the whole subject a miss. Still, the incident left an indelible mark on my memory, serving as a reminder that life has a unique way of humbling us when we least expect it. 

Or put another way, life comes hard and fast. Be ready for anything.

I'm tempted to take myself too seriously sometimes. That's exactly why I've been away from this blog for so long. Hiding from the slings and arrows has left me practically a recluse for the last few months and that isn't mentally healthy. So once again I've resolved to share my life experiences with you, even the embarrassing ones. 

In the act of laughing at myself, I hope to find the freedom to live my life fully and completely. I think of it as living big. The idea is that if I fill my life with the actual experience of living, rather than regretting the past or anticipating the future, there will be precious little room left for doubt and fretting.

Once more, I invite you to share the absurdities of life with me. After all, we're on this journey together. Please leave comments about your own bugaboos. When I hear from you, it lets me know that I'm not alone and I like knowing that you're here with me.

Controlled Spontaneity

When this old world is getting me down and people are just too much to deal with, I go for a walk along the path in Brunswick Forest--the path that surrounds the lake. That's what I did this morning. It's what I do every morning if it isn't pouring.

It's quiet and peaceful there. Azaleas and forsythia are blooming in the open spaces underneath the trees. Geese and ducks are guarding their nesting places in the shallows along the shores. Time slows down there and I can easily find a moment to hide in--a moment outside of time. The moment that Einstein missed in his equations.

The voices of crows, visions of egrets in flight, the warmth of morning sunshine on my skin, these and more fill my senses, heaped up, pressed down, and overflowing.

I learned in the zendo at the Zen Center in West Houston that any action coming out of a mindful state of consciousness was governed by controlled spontaneity. Like poetry, jazz, or kung fu, it's not something that you plan and rehearse; it's simply something you do.

Wynton Marsalis said that in jazz music, every moment is in crisis and you must bring all you have to bear on that crisis in the moment. Just like the poet, martial artist, and musician, there is no past or future, everything is right there in that moment. Life happens right now!

I was there in that moment as I walked the mindful path. But unlike the accomplished musician, my mood disorder sometimes allows bits of the other to slip into the moment. For me, it was noise from a nearby construction site, the whine of gasoline-powered leaf blowers, and the roar of 18-wheelers on the highway. Not a little anxiety was pressed down into my chest and ignored in my futile attempt to remain mindful.

When I crossed the street in the middle of the pedestrian walkway, the guy in the loud sports car approached me, in the middle of the walkway, at an uncomfortably high speed. 

"Off with his head!" screamed Amy from the emotion-control center of my brain. But I had the benefit of a mindful meditative walk on my side and I remained calm. 

Just like the poet, the martial artist, and the jazz musician, everything was in that moment. My action, resulting from the Zen state of mind, was one of controlled spontaneity. Fierce qigong! The finger happens!

It may seem a small matter to you; hardly worth writing a blog post about. But to me, it's a big deal and important for me to document it. Each time I read this post (and I do re-read them often) I'll be reminded that sometimes I am able to stay in control--sort of. I wonder what would have happened if the guy in the sports car had stopped.

But he didn't, did he? And that makes all the difference.

Defining Moments

"Ms. Wonder", I said. "Have you ever gotten your knickers in a wad?"

And I'll bet you can guess why I asked the question. It's because, as you are certainly aware by now, that she seems to never be rattled by any circumstance. Concerned, might be the word to describe her most excited reaction. Slightly worried on rare occasions, but never, never does she jump the rails.

She didn't answer right away but seemed to be searching the data banks for salient memories. 

"I suppose I did when I was a small girl", she said.

"Did you wear knickers when you were small?" I said.

"You're silly," she said. "You didn't literally mean knickers when you asked the question and you know it," she said. "I do remember being upset that I never got anything to go in my cereal other than bananas. That's why I never eat them today. I prefer peaches and blueberries."

"I wore knickers as a child," I said.

"When you were a baby you mean? she said.

"I also wore short pants and sandals," I said.

"So?" she said.

"I didn't like them," I said, and when I say I didn't like them, I mean that I hated them."

"Why?" she said.

"Because big boys didn't wear shorts. Shorts were for girls, was my opinion."

"Why didn't you like sandals?"

"Because pebbles got in them, underneath the arch of my foot, and that hurt. Added to the physical pain was the embarrassment of sitting down and inserting a finger between foot and sandal to extricate the pebble. The word is extricate, isn't it.

"The word is extricate," she said, "but I wonder why you use it. Why not withdraw, free, clear, wriggle out? But never mind that now. Why was it embarrassing to remove the pebble?"

"Because it drew attention to the shorts and knobby knees," I said.

"Yes, well I feel your pain but if that's the biggest problem you had, then life in Shady Grove must have been pretty gentle on the mind," she said.

"Ah," I said, "you may think so but you haven't heard about the socks that didn't fit properly. And if that doesn't change your mind about my childhood, then wait until I tell you about being forced to eat pine needles on the school playground."

"I've heard that one," she said. "And it's disgusting. Any why is it called a monkey's paw anyway?"

The last remark got past me. I assume it was meant to be a diversionary tactic and so decided to give it a miss. I include it here only because it may have some meaning for you. If you recognize it, please leave a comment below and clue me in.

I forged ahead with the theme, the nucleus, the heart of the matter as I saw it. 

"That pine needle moment was the single most defining moment in my young life," I said.

"Fierce Qigong," she said.

"Rem acu tetigisti," I said.

"Yes," she said, "a pine needle."

Blinded By The Light

The morning was about average as mornings go on the Carolina coast. Skies were blue and clouds were something that you've heard from me hundreds of times. But driving down Grandiflora, there was no indication of just how big the day was going to be.

Apparently, an offshore ocean breeze, the one I call Queenie, had taken her eye off her youngsters for just a moment--that's all it takes--and a couple of juveniles were now running around Waterford teasing the residents with thoughts of tropical climes.

It was a morning that promised a modicum of tranquility and dreamy something-or-other. Then I turned left off Grandiflora and onto Waterford Way. As Wynd Horse veered to the east, Bam! Pow! Blinded by the light!

There he was, just above the trees, at just about the right spot for a window, if the sky had windows. The young sun was hot-dogging in the Carolina blue sky. Shamelessly brilliant is the way I'd describe it.

The whole spectacle reminded me of that line from the King James edition where God told Moses to look away when he passed by because mere mortals are incapable of absorbing his full glory--not even a reasonable facsimile.

I had to shield my eyes and look to the shoulder of the road as I drove to Brunswick Forest and when I passed the welcome sign, I saw that the mockingbird, instead of singing the usual welcoming song, was taking refuge in the shade instead.

I'm certain the spectacle was intended to impress his mother. I mean the sun's mother. I'm speaking of the sun's mother, of course, not the bird's. It's a common character flaw among young suns or so I'm told. And I'm sure that all this unbounded glory made the sea very proud indeed because it was she who gave birth to this monarch of the heavens. 

I know it's hard to believe unless you have witnessed the sun rising from the sea, that water could give birth to fire but that's only a fraction of the weirdness of quantum reality.

"Just look at my boy," I imagined the sea to her sister, Queenie, the wind. "He's so strong."

"Yes, he's something alright," said the wind, "but he's not so strong as I."

"What do you mean!" demanded the sea, "He's stronger than you by a long shot."

Again, this is the conversation that I'm sure they must have engaged in that morning. I offer only the basics of their remarks; I can't do the dialect.

"Want to bet?" said the wind, and just like that, they were off on that old argument again. 

It was enough to make me consider going back to bed but it was an idle thought and quickly passed for there is much to be done and I am the only one with the perfect combination and experience and a randomly ordered limbic system to make it happen.

Gazing once more to the east, the skies were blue as blue and the towering white clouds were gold-tinted by the alluring golden light. I stared into that seemingly perfect place and contemplated the impossible distance. My heart began to steam with the desire to be there.

I know this may all sound questionable to you but it's something I often do; homesick for the first world probably.

And so, life being what it is, I paid my respects to the morning, made a short visit to my rock, thanked the mockingbird for her appearance, and then rolled up my sleeves and got busy following the dictum of someone-or-other from my childhood: So let it be written, so let it be done.