The words surprised me because I didn't realize that anyone else was in the house. It was Ms. Wonder, of course, but she's normally not home so early in the afternoon.
"Oh, you're here, are you?" I said. How often do we say things like that and then immediately wish that we'd thought of something better? One day I'm going to memorize a handful of zippy comebacks so that I can be a little more interesting when someone puts me on the spot.
"I take it the massage was unremarkable," she said.
"Not at all," I said. 'It was an incredible massage."
"Incredible? An incredible massage? Do tell, please."
"Oh, you're going to hear more," I said, "and you'll hear it now. It was life-changing."
"A massage? Life-changing!"
I walked to the doorway because I wanted to see her face when I told her about my transformation, and there's no other word for it, it was transformative.
"I am a new man, Poopsie," I said.
"You don't look different," she said.
"But I feel different," I said. "In fact, reborn!"
No reply from the Wonder but both eyebrows raised to full limit and the eyes...oh those green eyes.
"I walked into that massage studio like a man on a wire," I said.
"You mean a bird on a wire," she said.
"I mean like a man walking a high wire," I said. "A man who knows that one little mistake will land him in the soup, and not just any soup, onion soup."
"You hate onion soup," she said. "Got more than enough onion soup in the army."
"One of many things I had too much of while being all that I could be," I said. "But I strode out of that studio...is studio the word?"
"Massage studio or massage parlor," she said. "I believe that either is correct. But you strode out. You didn't walk out on a wire."
"I strode, Poopsie, like a man sure of himself."
"Not full of himself?" she said.
"Sure of himself," I said" And although I was aware of her testing the puppet strings, I decided to give it a miss. "I was the man who needs no safety net," I said. "I never felt so alive."
"You've got my attention," she said. "Enough build-up, let's have the goods."
"Well," I said, "It's like this...
Amber worked her magic beginning at the neck and shoulder," I said.
"Amber isn't her real name," she said.
"Of course not," I said. "These massage therapists never use their real names."
"You've got my attention," she said. "Enough build-up, let's have the goods."
"Well," I said, "It's like this...
Amber worked her magic beginning at the neck and shoulder," I said.
"Amber isn't her real name," she said.
"Of course not," I said. "These massage therapists never use their real names."
"Like pole dancers never use the name that could be used as proof against them in court," she said.
"I don't know what that means," I said, "but I'm not going to take the bait. Let's get back to the incredible massage."
"As she worked a particularly tight spot in the shoulder, I winced with the pain. It was a hot, searing pain. Then at the lower spine, I winced again. The pain was loud and exploding. At the back of my thigh, I winced so tightly, I thought my eyelids might be stuck permanently. It was a big day for wincing."
"But then we got to the left calf muscle. Oh, that left calf..."
"Not the fatted calf," she said.
"Once again, Wonder, I will not fall for your attempts at misdirection. The pain in that calf muscle was so intense that it served the same purpose as the sacrificial calf, offered up to guarantee the answer to my prayers."
"Did you breathe into the pain," she asked and I was happy to know that she remembered those meditation classes that I taught so many years ago.
"I breathed into it and I breathed through it," I said. "I redirected the focus of the mind to fill up some of the bandwidth and hopefully negate some of the pain."
"And did it help?"
"The pain increased," I said. "I broke out in a cold sweat. My fists were clenched and my knuckles were white. I saw exploding stars!"
"Oh, my goodness!" she said. "Did you make a wish?"
"As she worked a particularly tight spot in the shoulder, I winced with the pain. It was a hot, searing pain. Then at the lower spine, I winced again. The pain was loud and exploding. At the back of my thigh, I winced so tightly, I thought my eyelids might be stuck permanently. It was a big day for wincing."
"But then we got to the left calf muscle. Oh, that left calf..."
"Not the fatted calf," she said.
"Once again, Wonder, I will not fall for your attempts at misdirection. The pain in that calf muscle was so intense that it served the same purpose as the sacrificial calf, offered up to guarantee the answer to my prayers."
"Did you breathe into the pain," she asked and I was happy to know that she remembered those meditation classes that I taught so many years ago.
"I breathed into it and I breathed through it," I said. "I redirected the focus of the mind to fill up some of the bandwidth and hopefully negate some of the pain."
"And did it help?"
"The pain increased," I said. "I broke out in a cold sweat. My fists were clenched and my knuckles were white. I saw exploding stars!"
"Oh, my goodness!" she said. "Did you make a wish?"
Right about now, dear reader, you're probably wondering how I was able to stay focused when my Number One was offering up these verbal roadblocks, but to my credit, and you would have been proud of me if you'd been there, I ignored her remark and continued with my story.
"Suddenly, I was in a dark tunnel, floating alone in the void. Then a blinding white light appeared in the distance."
"You had a near-death experience," she said. "Did you see the spirits of a dear departed loved one?"
"At that moment, I thought I was a dear departed loved one," I said.
"Did you cry out?" she said.
"A Genome never cries out," Wonder. "We are men of steel. Departed or not. But no, the pain left as suddenly as it came. But one millisecond more and I wouldn't be here to tell the story."
"Now I understand," she said. "You strode out a changed man--a man transformed--because we never feel so alive as when we are face-to-face with death. Incredible!"
"That's what I said. Do you remember the last time I came face to face with D?" I asked. Now it was her turn to ignore me.
"Will you make another appointment with Amber?" she said.
"Not in this life, Poopsie, not in this life; once is enough."
"Wise choice, I think," she said. "Nothing to gain. You've won that contest. Why risk it with a return visit? Thank you for sharing that with me."
"It was a reminder for us all if we choose to accept it, that life comes hard and fast," I said, " and we must always be ready for what comes our way."
"Ain't that the truth!" she said.
"Suddenly, I was in a dark tunnel, floating alone in the void. Then a blinding white light appeared in the distance."
"You had a near-death experience," she said. "Did you see the spirits of a dear departed loved one?"
"At that moment, I thought I was a dear departed loved one," I said.
"Did you cry out?" she said.
"A Genome never cries out," Wonder. "We are men of steel. Departed or not. But no, the pain left as suddenly as it came. But one millisecond more and I wouldn't be here to tell the story."
"Now I understand," she said. "You strode out a changed man--a man transformed--because we never feel so alive as when we are face-to-face with death. Incredible!"
"That's what I said. Do you remember the last time I came face to face with D?" I asked. Now it was her turn to ignore me.
"Will you make another appointment with Amber?" she said.
"Not in this life, Poopsie, not in this life; once is enough."
"Wise choice, I think," she said. "Nothing to gain. You've won that contest. Why risk it with a return visit? Thank you for sharing that with me."
"It was a reminder for us all if we choose to accept it, that life comes hard and fast," I said, " and we must always be ready for what comes our way."
"Ain't that the truth!" she said.
