Not Today, Amy!

I woke in the guest room after another one of those dreams about being in a roomful of people who're taking up space that should be used for other purposes. It's not that I didn't like them. I hardly knew them. What I found disagreeable was their expiration date had passed by several months. 

Padme' Amidala

I rolled out of bed and staggered into the salle de bains where Ms. Wonder was partially submerged in the garden tub. She raised her face to me and gazed apprehensively. I didn't feel any too good about that either.

"You look like the ostrich that swallowed the brass doorknob," she said.

"Do you mean that in a caring way?" I said, not sure I liked the temperature in here any more than I liked that dream. Then her gaze softened and I immediately felt the soothing balm of loving-kindness.

She cleared her throat and spoke in a tone that couldn't have been more sympathetic. "Bad business," she said. Well, maybe it could have been a little more symp, but I'll take what I can get.

"Appalling," I said, turning toward the mirror suddenly conscious of my appearance and wondering how it rated after a night of kicking at ghouls.

"What are you going to do about it?" she said.

"What do you mean, do about it?" I said. "I don't know what I'm going to do. I had planned to work on that book but something tells me the day's going to sink into the deep. I'll be lucky to be casting a shadow by day's end."

"Nonsense," she said in a rather meaningful way but then she returned to sluicing the torso. I remember thinking at the time that when I'm in deep trouble--the kind that requires expert and tactful handling, it's from this sage of the Russian steppes that I find complete satisfaction. 

But, more often than not, she finds the solution in detail that she doesn't confide in me. It seemed that way now.

"You say nonsense but I don't follow. What nonsense?" I said.

"This is obviously more monkey-wrenching from the Empress," she said. "It stinks of her dirty dealings, don't you think? There's only one thing to do, and you know it. You're writing a book about it for heaven's sake."

"I still don't follow you," I said. "What does anything have to do with Uma and why do you think I write about her in my book?"

In the spirit of full disclosure, I should probably mention that we also spoke of whether or not to capitalize the word, heaven, and whether a reservation in hell is made in your name if you don't. But that's a side issue and we won't let it detain us from the rest of the story.

"Uma?" said the Wonder. "I'm not talking about Uma, I'm talking about your amig...what's it? Amig something."

"You must mean amygdala," I said.

"That's it," she said with a nod of the head while she began running the loofah up and down the arms. "Amidala--Princess Amidala. She's behind this."

"If you are referring to Amy and my amygdala," I said, "she's not a Star Wars action figure." 

"Princess Amy is the little tyrant that sits on the throne of my emotions. But I'm beginning to understand where you're going with this. You think my funk has something to do with my mercurial temperament."

"Is that what you call it?" she said. There followed a moment of silence as she directed one of her looks toward me and I returned the look, but mine had knobs on. 

You know how it is when two people, both of strong will, heading in two different directions, meet somewhere in the middle. One has got to give way.

"Genome," she said. "It's as plain as the nose on your face."

I glanced into the mirror again which served to confirm my doubt that the solution to my problem was not nearly as obvious as my nose.

"You've been talking to Amy just now, haven't you?" she said.

"I've only had a bad dream," I corrected her.

"Same thing," she said. "You've been talking to Amy, or rather she's been talking to you in a dream, and calling you some very unpleasant names, no doubt. It's just like when we were in Southport and you got caught sneaking onto the set of One Summer..."

"I was not sneaking," I said. "I was simply strolling by and the wrangler got his drawers in a wad. It was no big deal to shout, Cut, and then pick up where they left off after I moved out of camera range, but he had to make a big deal out of it. If I remember correctly, he threatened to call Hallmark."

"It was like that time in Moe's," she continued, "when you were angry with our neighbors just because they ignored you. And in the parking lot of Trader Joe's when the guy in the pickup truck backed into you..."

"Alright," I said, "I get it. No need to turn it into a musical. I admit that I have a chaotic emotional center. "

"Yes, you do," she said, "and you must always remember the principles of fierce living. That's what your book is about, isn't it?"

"Fierce Qigong!" I said, finally getting it. "You've hit the nail on the head again."

"Rem acu tetigisti," she said being careful to pronounce the italics. Perhaps you know what it means. Over my head though. In fact, I worried that her marvelous brain might be coming unglued but I thought it best to humor her just the same. 

"Precisely," I said. "You took the words right out of my mouth. I have to live life on life's terms and live it fully, refusing any guff from Amy." I said.

"Tax life!" she said.

"Wait a second," I said. "We were on the same page there for a little bit, but what's this 'tax life'?

"Just that you've got to do it fully and completely leaving no room for doubt. The way you did when you shouted down the Thirteenth Ghost. What's a limbic system compared to a Thirteenth Ghost?"

"Yes," I said, "of course. Now I see what you're driving at." She referred to a previous dream, maybe you're familiar, in which I was trolled by a screaming ghost and couldn't shake her until I faced her and out-screamed her. Or, come to think of it, perhaps I haven't written that one yet.

"Fill up the void with the strength of Me!" I said to Wonder. "Shout, 'Not today, Amy!' and mean it."

"Precisely," she said.

And then I realized that this wonderful woman was still on the Genome team. We would face the world together. Or I would face the world and she would cheer me on from the sidelines. She has her own world to face after all.

"Thank you, Ms. Wonder," I said. "I think I'll give this day a good piece of my mind."

"Attaboy!" she said.

What Can You Do?

This morning after the usual 12-point inspection of the soul vessel and routine maintenance on the 3 cats, I sat on the screened porch with a steaming mug of Jah's mercy and contemplated the dark clouds on the horizon. I didn't like them. 

What one wants in the early morning, especially when appointments are scheduled and people are prepared to rally round and whatnot, is soft light and warm, gentle stirrings in the foliage, with bluebirds singing backup. That sort of morning provides the right atmosphere to be up and doing.

I remember thinking that it was just another version of an old, familiar story. The universe lulls you into a false sense of security with a string of days featuring clear, blue skies and warm sunshine, and then when you're feeling that God's on his throne and all's right with the world, she throws into your lap one of those weather-of-the-century freak events.

"What's troubling you?" asked a voice from stage left. I didn't need to look to know that Ms. Wonder had entered the porch.

"Nothing new," I said.

"Can I help?" she asked.

"How well are you liked by the weather gods?" I said.

"I was just coming to let you know that a storm's headed this way," she said. "According to the Weather Channel."

The words had barely escaped her lips when the skies shook with thunder. The rumbling began offshore and tumbled up the Cape Fear River and on toward Virginia.

"Better get the cats inside," she said but her advice was mute because before she finished speaking, the cats were up and through the door, each headed for their personal favorite hiding spot.

Following closely on the cats' heels was a gust of wind that rattled the windows and then with no notice the rain began. But not just rain. Most of what fell for the next 10 minutes was ice--hail the size of the diamond that Richard Burton gave Elizabeth Taylor. The ground was covered in ice in less than a minute and the temperature dropped from refreshingly brisk to brrrr-cold.

I stood looking out the window at the wonder of God's handiwork if that's what it was.  I remember thinking, This is another fine kettle of fish you've gotten us into. 

I was also thinking that Beignet had an appointment with the veterinarian in about 30 minutes and I wondered if the vet techs would come out to the curb in a hailstorm to take him inside. 

"Did you say something about fish?" asked the Wonder. 

"Did I say that out loud?" I said.

"Either that or I read your mind," she said.

At that moment the hail stopped, the skies cleared, and the sun shone. I know! Go figure, right? Sometimes I think that if I were in charge of the weather, I could do a much better job. But I've got other things to do and I suppose I'll just have to make the best of what I get. 

Right about now, you're probably thinking, Life comes hard and fast, and I as much as anyone should know that. And you're absolutely right on both counts. Once again I'm reminded that the prudent person tries to be prepared for anything and enjoy, as much as possible, the Laurel and Hardy act that is modern life.

I looked at Ms. Wonder. She was looking at me. I shrugged and so did she. I decided it was time for a grande flat white. What else can you do?

 

Sleepy Hollow Bridge

¨There is a little valley, or rather lap of land, among high hills, which is one of the quietest places in the whole world. A small brook glides through it, with just murmur enough to lull one to repose, and the occasional whistle of a quail or tapping of a woodpecker is almost the only sound that ever breaks in upon the uniform tranquility."             --Washington Irving, "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow"

I first learned of the Sleepy Hollow covered bridge from William Magnum’s wonderful book of original paintings called, "Carolina Preserves." There on page 105 is the artist’s depiction of a red, barn-like structure spanning an icy mountain stream, new snow gently clinging to the boughs of firtrees that stand in the foreground.

Ms. Wonder and I had searched for the bridge years ago and wrote about our adventure in The Raleigh News & Observer. Finding the bridge the first time was no simple task and it was not much easier this time even though I thought I knew where it was.

By the time I arrived, the heavy cloud cover had stopped threatening and decided to let loose. The narrow, 64-foot bridge lay in deep shadow cast by several big-toothed aspens standing at the far edge of a sandy meadow. Wind Horse entered the one-lane bridge slowly and the loose floorboards moved against their joist as her tires pressed down on them.

The sound they made was like horses’ hooves on packed earth—pumble-lunk-lunk, pumble-lunk-lunk. The sound reminded me that, in an earlier age, posted signs often cautioned travelers to "Cross This Bridge At A Walk" and the warning often specified a fine for crossing at a faster pace. Severe damage to the bridge and to draft animals could result from weak floors.

I exited the bridge onto a small lap of land, grassy and inviting, and hemmed in by steep hills that rise far above it. Rhododendron thickets on the banks of Hobos Mill Creek softened traffic noise from the nearby highway, the forest canopy provided some shelter from the rain, and the steep hill behind me shut off all other noise. Only the twittering of juncos could be heard above the constant gurgle of the steam and heavy static of the rain.

Irving completed his opening description of Sleepy Hollow with these words, "If ever I should wish for a retreat, I know of none more promising than this little valley." Those words are a fitting description for this Sleepy Hollow too.

The bridge at Sleepy Hollow is the only covered bridge left in the western mountains. In 1920 one North Carolina county alone had over sixty covered bridges. By the time the bridge at Sleepy Hollow was built, there were less than ten historic covered bridges in the entire state. Today there are only three. The other two are located in the piedmont region southwest of Raleigh. The Pisgah Bridge in Randolph County is probably the best-known of the two. 

The Bunker Hill Bridge in Catawba County is arguably the most historically important bridge in the state. That bridge, which spans Lyles Creek, is the only remaining structure in the world built in the architectural style developed by George Haupt, a celebrated builder who was praised for his engineering skills by President Abraham Lincoln. The bridge is designated as a National Civil Engineering Landmark, a prestigious honor it shares with the Blue Ridge Parkway and the Cape Hatteras Lighthouse.

If you would like to visit Sleepy Hollow, follow Highway 105 as it encircles the base of Seven Devils Mountain about 12 miles south of Boone. Look for the small road sign on the east side of the highway just as you pass the hardware store. You can't see the bridge from the highway so you'll have to look close or you'll miss it.

Feline Accomplice

I read the introductory paragraph from The Rogue Star website to my spiritual mentor, Feldspar, so that he would understand that the Witch of Woodcroft writes some praise-worthy stuff.

                                            

"There, did you feel the earth shake?" I asked.

"Hardly, sir." he said, "I feel that you're suffering a manic episode brought on by Princess Amy."

Oh, you know about her, do you?" I said.

"I read your blog from time to time."

"Oh? I didn't know you liked my blog."

"I wouldn't go that far, sir. I read it to keep up with your um...."

"Lifestyle?" I offered.

"Close enough," he said.

"Why don't you like my blog?"

"Really, sir, it's not my place..."

"No! I insist. If you're going to be my mentor, there must be no secrets. Spill it!"

"Well, forgive me sir, but I see it as an immature production, lacking in significant form. My own tastes lie more in the direction of Dostoyevsky and the great Russians."

"Fine, whatever," I said,  trying to avoid the Russian motif, because Ms. Wonder, that descendent of Count Gregory Orlov, was somewhere about the premises and might sail in like a brigantine running before the gale if she heard the words, great Russians.

"Feldspar, it's not my limbic system that's causing the ranygazoo. It's the witch herself. She suggested to me in a text message, that by writing more I could change my world. She said that it was key to the fulfillment of my fate, which, according to her, mirrors the story of the plaster Buddha."

"Plastic, Buddha!" called Ms Wonder from somewhere down the hall.

"It's plaster!" I called back.

"Gladdis Lyremark Ironarrow," I said to Feldspar, "is a witch who lives in a north-facing cave. She stays home a lot; you don't bother her, she won't bother you. But when a baby in a backpack, a pair of mismatched children, and an invisible sorcerer accidentally wander into her domain--well, enough said I think."

"A story that may appeal more to the theater-going crowd," said Feldspar. "but I'm at a loss to understand why you object to it so strongly."

"Not against it," I said.

"No?"

"Certainly not. All for it, in fact. It's the collateral damage that I'm concerned about. Every time she writes about Gladys, strange things happen to me."

"But why should that be?"

"I was hoping you might have an idea."

"Are you suggesting that her writing is somehow interfering with your destiny?"

"That's right. You have a lightning-fast brain, Feldspar. I'm also suggesting that the three of us are just the people to do something to stop it, if a rock troll, a human and a cat can be grouped collectively as people."

"Mybbthh," said Abbie Hoffman, the tuxedoed feline accomplice that sat astride my computer keyboard.

"It is futile to rage against the darkness, sir," said Feldspar. "Light can't exist without it. We would not see the beauty of the stars without the dark of space behind them."

"Preeeek!" said Abbie Hoffman, and I had to agree with him. Put a sock in it was the thought that came to me but I didn't want to offend Feldspar. I'm sure he meant well. It's just that he's not up with the latest developments in the way that you and I are. I mean, futile to rage against the darkness? That's the very essence of The Way of the Rock, which as you well now is my shamanic calling.

"Maybe this one will convince you," I said. "One of her stories features a witch known as Baba Yaga who eats people the way people eat chickens.

The statement brought Abbie to his feet. "Earrup!" he said.

"Even monsters are divine creatures," said Feldspar, "and belong to the providential order of nature, and this according to St. Augustine."

"Ever noticed how people eat chickens, Feldspar?"

"Really, sir!" he said. "Chirrump!" said a wide-eyed Abbie.

"Plastic, Buddha," called Ms. Wonder again but from somewhere frighteningly near. I realized that I'd have to ratchet up the proceedings.

"It's plaster!" I called back and then in a quieter voice directed at Feldspar and Abbie Hoffman, I said, 

"It seems a statue of the Buddha stood in a temple for ages until someone decided to move it. During the move, the statue fell over knocking the plaster away and revealing solid gold underneath. Get it?"

He gave me a look before saying, "A precious something is hidden by a common outer crust..."

"Blah, blah, blah," I said. 

"Fascinating," said Ms. Wonder as she passed by the door, in a mysterious way, her wonders to perform.

"Do you know anything about how the witch works her magic?" asked Feldspar.

"Nope," I said, "but not having all the information has never stopped me before."

"I don't know if this is a good idea, sir."

"Never mind your, 'I don't know', Feldspar," I said. "Buck up, sir, it's nothing more than Fierce Living. I do it all the time."

"But sir...."

"No buts. Life is a fairy tale, Feldspar. It just doesn't always end with living happily ever after. I doubt it ever ends well to be blunt about it. But sometimes it's enough for a story to just end. That's how space is made for new stories to begin."

"But sir...."

"Cap it, Feldspar!" I said.  "Piramp!" said Abbie Hoffman and I couldn't have agreed with him more.

I Blame Netflix

I found Ms. Wonder in the kitchen preparing for her trip to Shallotte. I thought it was the perfect time to tell her the exciting news. If you're a newbie to this blog then I should probably explain that Wonder and I recently moved to Wilmawood from our home in Durham and I've had a little trouble adjusting."

"Wilmington isn't Charleston," I said just to get things going. You see before deciding to relocate here, to Hollywood East, we thought we would move to Charleston, the jewel of the Carolina coast, but COVID changed our minds--it's a long story.

The River District

"Wilmington isn't a lot of things," she said. And I remember thinking that she was right, of course, but what of it? The relevance got right over my head but that's true of many things she says. Not surprising really. She knows just about everything due to having one of those Italian-designed brains and my rollback-special from Walmart just insn't in the same league.

"What?" I said.

"Exactly," she said.

You may think it odd that we have this type of conversation but you wouldn't think so if you lived with us for a pandemic week. You see my way of escaping the Groundhog Day sameness of one day after another is by binge-watching Netflix until I fall asleep on the sofa. My current addiction is "AJ and the Queen". I recommend it highly. 

Unfortunately, indulging in the video drug until overdose doesn't result in an alert, clear-headed morning and the early conversations can be alarming. 

But, I've jumped the rails again. Here's the gist to catch you up. We told everyone who would listen for years that we were moving to Charleston. Then when we finally decided the time was right for relocation, we moved to Wilmington instead.

"Do you remember," I said to Ms. Wonder, "that when we told people we were moving to Wilmington, they would say, "Why Wilmington? It's nothing like Charleston."

"I remember," she said.

"Well, they might be surprised to learn just how much the two cities have in common."

"Both of them being colonial port cities," she said. "And sharing a lot of history with the golden age of piracy--especially Black Beard."

"Was there a golden age of piracy?" I said.

"Both cities also figured heavily in the 19th-century turmoil that southern dames referred to as, "the recent unpleasantness between the states."

"Is dames an appropriate choice of words?" I said.

Not dames as in "there is nothing like a dame" from South Pacific. I use the term in its genteel meaning of a woman descended from a noteworthy ancestor.

I held up a hand to indicate that this runaway tangent must stop because I had something important to say and I didn't want it to be brushed aside.

"Districts," I said getting right to the point.

"What about them?" she said.

"Wilmington has them," I said. And knowing that I had to move quickly if I was to remain recognized and keep the floor, I continued. 

"Just as any city worth the air it breathes has defined, recognized districts--like Charleson, New Orleans, and San Francisco; Wilmington has some really cool districts that I plan to explore and write about."

"Like what?" she said.

"Well, like the newest district, which is called the Lollipop District."

"I think you mean the Soda Pop District," she said.

"Do I?" I said. "Not the Lollipop District having some relationship to The Wizard of Oz? You know many movies are filmed here."

"Nothing to do with the Wizard," she said. "The Soda Pop District is named for the old Coca-Cola bottling plant that used to operate there."

"We visited the Coca-Cola plant in Chattanooga when I was in third grade," I said.

"Fascinating," she said. "I can't wait to hear about it when I get back from Shallotte. I'll bet you hold be spellbound."

And with that, she breezed out the door like a pirate ship under full sail leaving me in the kitchen with a cup of cold coffee and three cats. We have these conversations frequently. I blame binge-watching Netflix.