"Sorry, Babe," she said, giving me a kiss on the head, "but I don't have time for it this morning. My new boss is in town and we're giving her a luncheon today."
"You can't give me short shrift; is that the term--short shrift?" I said to the back of her back as she left the salle de bains for the dressing room.
"Yes, short shrift, is perfectly correct," she said. "You could also say, quick work, or even kick in the teeth."
"That's it," I said, "you're giving me a kick in the teeth. Where's the old rally round spirit? That's what I'd like to know."
"I'm sorry, sweetie," she said and you notice how she tried to use vocabulary to cover up the lack of compassion? Well, it wasn't working for me. I was taking a line through Napoleon on this one and was prepared to march the troops to Moscow if I had to or sail the fleet to Egypt if that works better for you.
"It doesn't help to say you're sorry when I'm left in the lurch, reeling from the blows, tossed in the storm…"
"Alright," she said, coming to a stop in the middle of a herd of cats, "what's up?"
"That's better," I said. "I'll tell you what's up because I know that deep down inside you're a loving person who wants nothing but happiness for your Genome. I know that you devote your life to helping me get through the day with a smile on my face. I know that when the Red Queen is shouting Run for your life! you're there advising deep breaths…"
"Yeah, yeah, move it along," she said. "I've got ten minutes to be out of here."
"Alright, then," I said and took a moment to marshall the thoughts, "it's like this. I was sitting in Barnes and Noble yesterday morning and I happened to notice a young man at the next table clicking gaily on a keyboard and smiling in a way that said Life is wonderful and what a marvelous time it is to partake of it all ."
I paused to see if she was taking it well. "With me so far?" I said.
"Go on," she said with a wave of the hand.
"Well, the whole thing was inspiring. I wanted to feel that way too. So I opened my tablet and began clicking keys but what to do with those keys, that was the question that presented itself. YouTube I wondered?
But, no, that was no good. I've overdosed on Jimmy Fallon with Margo Robbie, and the same can be said for Conan O'Brien with Keven Nealon.
Then I thought about listening to a favorite podcast. No, I do that several times a day already. You see where this is going, Poopsie? The mental horizon was growing dark. Princess Amy was getting restless. Then it came to me, out of the blue as it were. Facebook!"
"Facebook?" she said. "Do you frequent Facebook?
"Well, don't say it like that," I said. "Yes, Facebook. I have lots of friends on Facebook. I have friends that I haven't contacted for much too long. I have friends that I've never contacted. I have friends that I don't even know. I know the names of their children, how they vote, what brand of faith they adhere to. The works. But I wouldn't know them if they walked into Native Grounds and ordered a latte."
"Did that make you feel better?" she said. "Connecting with friends on Facebook?"
"Well, the anticipation of having fun reduced the stress-related cortisols so I'd have to answer, Yes, it did make me feel better in the beginning. By the way," I said in an aside, "did you know that Ava Marie muds her kitchen ceiling in a tiara?"
She didn't answer, at least not verbally, but she did cross her arms and begin tapping a foot. That was sort of an answer I suppose.
"Well, anyway," I said, "there I was sitting in a bookstore trying to think of something to write on my status line and I couldn't think of anything. It was depressing."
"Don't let it get to you," she said," it's just one of those things."
"It is not just one of those things," I said. "It's one damned thing after another, that's what it is."
"Try laugh yoga," she said and I could make nothing of it. Laugh yoga? The two didn't seem to go together.
"It's a technique of laughing when you don't feel like it and you keep laughing until you do feel like it."
"Fake it till you make it?"
"Something like that?"
"You think it will work?"
"Can't hurt."
"I'll wait until you leave for work, shall I?"
"Sure," she said, "I understand completely."
I didn't begin laughing when she left the house. I waited until I was driving to my morning hangout and stopped at a traffic light. "Ha ha," I said as though reading it from a script. "Ha ha ha." Nothing but silly, if that.
"Facebook?" she said. "Do you frequent Facebook?
"Well, don't say it like that," I said. "Yes, Facebook. I have lots of friends on Facebook. I have friends that I haven't contacted for much too long. I have friends that I've never contacted. I have friends that I don't even know. I know the names of their children, how they vote, what brand of faith they adhere to. The works. But I wouldn't know them if they walked into Native Grounds and ordered a latte."
"Did that make you feel better?" she said. "Connecting with friends on Facebook?"
"Well, the anticipation of having fun reduced the stress-related cortisols so I'd have to answer, Yes, it did make me feel better in the beginning. By the way," I said in an aside, "did you know that Ava Marie muds her kitchen ceiling in a tiara?"
She didn't answer, at least not verbally, but she did cross her arms and begin tapping a foot. That was sort of an answer I suppose.
"Well, anyway," I said, "there I was sitting in a bookstore trying to think of something to write on my status line and I couldn't think of anything. It was depressing."
"Don't let it get to you," she said," it's just one of those things."
"It is not just one of those things," I said. "It's one damned thing after another, that's what it is."
"Try laugh yoga," she said and I could make nothing of it. Laugh yoga? The two didn't seem to go together.
"It's a technique of laughing when you don't feel like it and you keep laughing until you do feel like it."
"Fake it till you make it?"
"Something like that?"
"You think it will work?"
"Can't hurt."
"I'll wait until you leave for work, shall I?"
"Sure," she said, "I understand completely."
I didn't begin laughing when she left the house. I waited until I was driving to my morning hangout and stopped at a traffic light. "Ha ha," I said as though reading it from a script. "Ha ha ha." Nothing but silly, if that.
I looked through the window of the car stopped next to me to make sure I wasn't being watched. "Hee hee hee." No better. Then I thought of, "Ho ho ho," and that felt a little better if only because it reminded me of Santa. I giggled. Then I laughed, just a little. Before I knew what was happening, I was actually laughing, not faking. It felt good. Amazing!, I thought.
"Shall I tell you what you sound like?" said Princess Amy just when I was feeling good about the laugh yoga.
"Oh, shut up," I said, "It's no big deal. It's actually a lot of fun like taking a trip to the moon on gossamer wings. You should try it."
"Shall I tell you what you sound like?" said Princess Amy just when I was feeling good about the laugh yoga.
"Oh, shut up," I said, "It's no big deal. It's actually a lot of fun like taking a trip to the moon on gossamer wings. You should try it."
I don't know that she actually tried it. I doubt it. But she did get quiet for a bit. Have you given it a try? I recommend it highly. Much better than hanging out in the Metaverse.