"We're off to see the lizard," the voice said.
I know what you're thinking: Genome, what the hell, the mystery voice has always been a morning visitor? I know! That's what I thought, too. Apparently, mysterious voices aren't constrained by time. They must be elements of the fifth dimension.
Yes, I found it odd to hear the voice before going to sleep but my care-worn sleeves were coming unraveled, so I decided to think about it tomorrow. The tomorrow I had in mind came this morning.
After a deep, restful sleep had allowed sweet nature to complete a lot of mending, I woke and rolled out of bed.
It was a quiet, welcoming Sunday morning, reminding me of something Ms. Wonder once said, which goes something like this: I've seen glorious mornings flattering the mountaintops and kissing the meadows green. I'm paraphrasing, of course, but I'm amazed at how she comes up with these things and off the cuff, too.
I stumbled to the dressing room to get upholstered for the day, and once dressed, I re-entered the bedroom when Ms. Wonder stirred beneath the blankets, stretched, and mumbled,
"You walk like a duck."
Is it polite do you think to criticize someone's lack of physical grace, or any other lack for that matter, at the beginning of the day without so much as a Good morning? No, I think not!
As I drank it all in, it became clear that discussing it before she was fully awake would be futile. I said nothing but left for the Circular Journey Cafe and my regular Sunday morning coffee with Island Irv. I thought of nothing but Wonder's words on the Cape Fear River crossing.
Fortunately, the Islander was present when I arrived because I couldn't wait to get his reaction.
"Irv," I said, "I hope you've had a pleasant week and all that but I have something to discuss with you that won't wait."
"Of course," he said. "Tell me all; ask me anything. Remember what Shakespeare said: if you intend to do something, jump into it without delay and get it over with quickly."
"I doubt it was Shakespeare," I said, "but I'm not here to talk about poets; here's what I want to ask--do I look like a duck?"
"Certainly not," he said immediately, with a confidence that became him well.
"Sorry," I said, "I meant to say, do I walk like a duck, not look like one."
"Walk like a duck?" he said. "That depends."
"No it doesn't," I said. "A man either does or does not walk like a duck. Now answer the question, please."
"Hmm," he said thoughtfully, "Give me an example."
"Oh, for goodness sake," I said. "A duck waddles from side to side, swinging the caboose, as it were."
"Hmmm," he repeated.
"And they have flat feet. Their feet slap on the floor with each step they take."
"Oh, right, and they bob their heads when they walk," he said, nodding his head forward and back.
"No, Irv! Chickens bob their heads; not ducks."
"Oh, that's right. Yes, I knew that. Well, on the whole," he said, "considering this and that, I'd say no, you don't walk like a duck."
I breathed a deep sigh of relief. The pent-up anxiety began to subside. "Thank you for humoring me. Ms. Wonder told me I walked like a duck this morning, and, just as Shakespeare advised, I had to get a second opinion without delay. Walking like a duck would not do at all. I'm sure you understand."
"Not like a duck," he said again. "More like a loon, I'd say. Loons are a sort of duck, of course, but they do walk differently."
I didn’t wait around to hear more. Amy was rolling on the floor of my mind laughing hysterically and I'd bust a giblet. The day was ruined—nothing like an easy Sunday morning at Lionel Richie’s house.
When I finally returned home, I found Ms. Wonder on the lanai listening to the birds competing for a spot on Backyard's Got Talent. I escalated the conversation immediately and got the whole thing cleared up.
"Wonder!," I said. "Just what do you mean telling me I walk like a duck?"
"What, if anything are you driveling about?"
"When you woke and stretched this morning, you distinctly said I walk like a duck."
"Oh, yeah," she said. "Now I know what you're talking about. I did not say you walk like a duck." She was laughing when she said it, but I didn't see anything funny about it, and I began to tap my foot to indicate that I was heated up and not about to take it anymore.
"I was just waking up and I mumbled something like, Oooh...gotta wake up." Sounds a little like "You walk like a duck." Right? That must be what you misheard.
It was an easy mistake to make, of course. Anyone might have misunderstood her words mumbled into the blankets. It's not a big deal. I only mention it in passing.