I know your time is important and I don't want to waste it. But it's important to me that I keep you up-to-date on all the happenings in Wilmawood. So let's get to it.
"Don't bring me down, Lupe," I said to the little pinprick when she asked me why I looked like someone suspected by the authorities of stealing a pig.
And don't tell me that she meant well. I know she was only trying to cheer me up with a friendly barb but I wasn't in the mood for it. What I wanted was a soft pat on the head, and a consoling "There, there."
The morning opened well--as smooth as a Barry White ballad, with the kind of light that you only get in mid-October. The kind that suggests you should be up and at 'em. But just a few minutes earlier, as I crossed the Memorial Bridge into downtown Wilmawood, instead of Barry, it was Marvin Gaye on SiriusXM radio crooning "Ain’t That Peculiar?"
The song was oddly fitting to the mood generated by the mixed messages coming from Princess Amy as I entered the Egret Coffee Cafe & Dance Bar. Still, I looked forward to 16 ounces of Jah's Mercy and a few precious minutes to myself before the paying customers arrived.
Instead of solitude, I found the girls already there. After ordering the needful and resuming the pour parlers, I decided to give the morning a second chance. But then Island Irv entered the joint. I can't say I wasn't happy to see him. I was. But his presence was going to require a different style of delivery than the one I'd planned.
"So, you all know that I've recently been obsessed with writing my blog," I said.
"Oh, Lord, what now?" asked Lupe.
"I'm just saying," I said, "that I love my blog and was excited at first when my agent told me a production company was interested in movie rights."
"I didn't know that," said Irv.
"Why are you bringing this up? said Lupe. "What's gone wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong," I said and while looking for the next words, Claudia spoke.
"That's wonderful!" she said. "Aren't you happy that your blog may become a movie?"
"Yeah," said Irv. "Congratulations."
"Oh, it's not a done deal yet and I'm not sure I actually want to do it, now I think about it," I said.
Mixed exclamations and questions erupted after that statement but it's all too much to try to sort out now. I think the gist will fall out in the next minute or two.
"That's what I wanted to talk about," I said. "You see, I've always thought of The Circular Journey as special."
"What I'm getting at," I said, "is that I recently read about a group of neuroscientists who measured the brain output of subjects while the subjects viewed the Vermeer painting..."
"Girl With The Pearl Earring," shouted Claudia as though she was a contestant on Lucky 13.
"Oh, no, here we go again," said Lupe rolling her eyes from earth to heaven. "I don't know how you manage to make these quantum leaps from one topic to another. That bridge doesn't exist."
"Don't I know it," said Irv.
"Yes, thank you, Claudia," I said. "What they found is that the viewer's attention was held captive for a few seconds by something they call "Sustained Attentional Loop."
"What are you talking about?" said Irv. Then he looked at the two girls as though he thought they'd provide the back story. Claudia only shrugged. Lupe spoke.
"Let me see if I can guess," said Lupe. "First, we know he's talking about his blog. That blog has been a recurring theme for the last two weeks. And, unless I miss my guess, he's found a way to turn a good thing into a crisis."
"And why shouldn't I be talking about my blog to my best friends, if I can call you that?" I said. "This whole movie business is very attractive but I love The Circular Journey and I don't want to lose control over any of it. I'd much rather publish it in book form than adapt it to the big screen."
"Calm down," said the Islander. "Start once more from the beginning and I'll attempt to be your best friend, if you can call me that."
"Me too," said Claudia.
"Ok then. That's better," I said. "So the researchers found that when looking at the Girl, the viewer's eye is drawn to her own eye, then down to her mouth, across the face to the pearl earring and then back to her eye."
"And?" said Lupe.
"One of the neuroscientists who carried out the study explained that when someone views the painting, their attention is captured and he or she must love the painting whether they want to or not."
"I seriously doubt that," said Lupe. "But I'm guessing you think the people who read your blog must love it whether they want to or not."
"Exactly," I said. "I knew you'd understand if anyone would."
"I understand too," said Claudia.
"I don't," said the Islander. "Not in the least."
"The researcher I mentioned, said the research team knew the painting was special. But why it was special came as a surprise."
"And, of course," said Lupe. "you can say the same thing about The Circular Journey. You knew it was special but didn't realize why."
"And now it makes perfect sense to me," I said. "It's simply the Sustained Attentional Loop in action. When people read my blog, they have to keep reading whether they want to or not."
"But why do you think that?" said Claudia.
"It's like this," I said. "My blog has a wide readership with hundreds of thousands of readers who come to the site from more than 50 countries."
"Now 100,000 divided by 50 is 2000," I said. "That number divided by 30.417, which is the average number of days in a month, will give you 65.753. No wait. That's not what I meant. It's 2000 divided by, give me a second. My math is a little rusty."
"Forget the math," said Irv. "Give us the unvarnished English."
"Ok," I said. "I will but we'll come back to the math because it will be useful later."
And so, with much excitement and volume, I explained everything that I've already told you, dear reader, in that blog post titled, Let's Get On With It."
"I get it now," said the Islander.
"Don't take the movie deal," said Claudia.
"What would we do for fun around here," said Lupe, "if you ran away to Hollywood?"
"We don't need Hollywood, do we?" I said. "We will always have Wilmawood."
"What was all the math about?" asked Irv. But I don't want to burden you, one of my most loyal readers with all that. I appreciate you too much to bore you.
Fierce Qigong, and all that! I'll bet you haven't heard that in a long while.