Many of you, my followers that is, are asking why I no longer collect soul vessels. I understand your concern, what with the prophecy in the Big Book of Death about the Underworld Darkness getting all uppity and rising to take over the Above.
Yes, it's an alarming prophecy, I'm not denying it, but things got so out of hand with so many soul vessels going uncollected, that I finally had to face the truth; the job is far too big for the few of us that are left.
Once I accepted that we were all doomed and nothing to be done about it, I became depressed like the dickens and my anxiety levels equaled that of the cat in the adage. I'm sure you feel it too.
I spoke to my therapist about it and now she's depressed. And Princess Amy makes it even worse. Every time I check in with her, I find her with eyes the size of dinner plates, wringing her hands and shouting, Run for your life!
Fortunately, I found an article in Vanity Fair, written by P.G. Wodehouse, my virtual mentor and spiritual guide. The article, entitled, The Physical Culture Peril, concerns the mistake of valuing physical reality over spiritual.
I suppose that's what the piece is about. I haven't actually read it; I skimmed it and read the pertinent parts. Mr. Wodehouse, or Plum as his friends call him, convinced me to order a small, illustrated booklet that would provide instructions for escaping the peril mentioned above.
After reading the booklet, an event of synchronicity led me to Christoper Moore's book, Dirty Job, where he described the activity of the main character. That description introduced me to the true role that I'm meant to perform.
And now I'm a different man. Little by little I have immersed myself into the new job. Now I smile at everyone I meet and offer a hearty Good morning.
If I’m addressed by someone on my rounds, instead of trying to get away as quickly as possible, I listen attentively and make courteous replies, in short, I’m agreeable as all get out. And although I don’t make a habit of it, I've been known to slap backs and shake hands. I feel better for it and so do they.
There are exceptions. Aren't there always? Not everyone is appreciative of my new behavior. Some people ignore me or give me hard looks and, naturally, my new behavior has lost me a few friends.
And so there you have it. The full gist of the thing. My new calling and I like it.
Isn't it incredible how these metaphysical principles are manifested? I mean, the book, Dirty Job, was the source of my mistaken belief that I was a Soul Merchant. Now that same book has shown me that in fact, I'm Born to be Mild. And that's why I have dedicated myself to spreading goodness and light everywhere I go.
Will it save us from the prophecy in the Big Book of Death? No. But it makes me and the people I meet feel a little bit better about darkness taking over. We still may one day find ourselves wishing that we were dead but at least now we can hope for a good day for it.