"You had a reaction to the vaccination?"
"That's what I've been trying to tell you," I said.
"Was it serious?" he said.
"Was it serious! Let me tell you how serious it was and still is," I said.
"Do tell," he said, "I'll bet you hold me spellbound."
"OK, then," I said. "It had been that kind of day when everything's not what it should be. You know, when your head's not making sense and you feel like you're not where you're supposed to be?"
"No," he said.
"What?" I said.
"Don't drivel. I have an appointment and don't have time for the color comments. Just the facts please."
"Well, if that's the way you want it but it'll be far less interesting without the supernatural elements. Here goes then; but pay very close attention because I'll move quickly through the salient points."
"Not quickly enough," he said. I thought it set a tone that was low on my list of preferred tones but, after considering this and that, I decided to give it a pass.
"After the vaccination, I walked through the hardware store toward the exit and you'll never guess what I saw."
"You got a COVID vaccination in a hardware store? Are you sure you're OK? Have you been out in the sun recently?"
I held up a hand to indicate that I'd take no more interruptions. "Mumps," I said. Not his name of course but that's what I've called him for so long I've forgotten his real name. "I am perfectly fine," I said, "so put a sock in it and let me finish this story."
"Fine," he said but he didn't say it with any chirpiness.
"As I said, I walked out of the room and the first thing that caught my eye was a gnome."
He held up a hand and shook his head. "Just as I thought. You have been out in the sun and without a hat, I'll bet."
"I told you the kind of day it was," I said.
"This is what comes of too much pills and liquor," he said.
"At any rate, there it was."
"A gnome?"
"Yes, a gnome, and in fact, there were two of them left from what was once a three-gnome garden set."
"You're talking about a yard-gnome," he said.
"What did you think?" I said.
"Never mind," he said, "go on."
"So I bought Toby. I named him Toby; I don't know why--just a whim I guess--and brought him home but Ms. Wonder didn't approve. She said he'd need to stay outside. I had little choice, of course, so I put him in the front garden underneath a mushroom. I thought he'd like that."
"I'm lost," Mumps said. "I don't know why we're talking about this."
"I'll tell you why," I said. "Because he was so unhappy with being left outdoors that he ran away and now he's traveling across the country running up charges on my credit card."
"And your reaction to the COVID vaccination is buying a garden gnome?"
"Well, it isn't normal," I said.
He nodded but it did little good because we were on the phone at the time.