"That's what I've been trying to tell you," I said.
"Was it serious?" he said.
"Was it serious! Let me tell you how serious it was and still is," I said.
"Do tell," he said, "I'll bet you hold me spellbound."
"OK, then," I said. "It had been that kind of day when everything's not what it should be--your head's not making sense and you feel like you're not where you're supposed to be. You know the kind of day I mean?"
"No," he said.
"What?" I said.
"Don't drivel. I have an appointment and don't have time for the color comments. Just the facts please."
"Well, if that's the way you want it." I said. "But it'll be far less interesting without the supernatural elements. Pay close attention because I'll move quickly through the salient points."
"Not quickly enough," he said. I thought it set a tone low on my list of preferred tones but, after considering this and that, I decided to give it a pass.
"After the vaccination," I said, "I walked through the hardware store toward the exit and you'll never guess what I saw."
"You got a vaccination in a hardware store? Are you sure you're OK? Have you been out in the sun recently?"
I held up a hand to indicate that I'd take no more interruptions. It did little good--we were on the phone. "Mumps," I said. Not his name, of course, but that's what I've called him for so long I've forgotten his real name. "I am perfectly fine," I said, "so put a sock in it and let me finish this story."
"Fine," he said but he didn't say it with any real chirpiness.
"As I said, I walked out of the room and the first thing that caught my eye was a gnome."
He held up a hand and shook his head. At least I assumed he did because the gesture is something I'd expect from him.
"Just as I thought, Genome, you've been out in the sun and without a hat."
"I told you the kind of day it was," I said. "Surely you can guess how stressful my drive into Durham had been if you paid to what I told you in the first place.
"This is what comes of too much pills and liquor," he said.
"At any rate, there it was."
"A gnome?"
"Yes, a gnome, and in fact, there were two of them left from what was once a three-gnome garden set."
"You're talking about a yard gnome," he said.
"What did you think?" I said.
"Never mind," he said, "go on."
"So I bought Toby. I named him Toby; I don't know why--just a whim, I guess--and brought him home, but Ms. Wonder disapproved of him. She said I should put him outside in the garden. Well, she'd made her wishes clear, so I put him in the front garden underneath a mushroom. I thought he'd like that."
"I'm lost," Mumps said. "I don't know why we're talking about this."
"I'll tell you why," I said. "Because he was so unhappy with being left outdoors that he ran away and now he's traveling across the country running up charges on my credit card."
"And your reaction to the vaccination was buying a garden gnome?"
"Well, a normal person doesn't have these experiences," I said.
He nodded but it did little good because we were still on the phone.
"I told you the kind of day it was," I said. "Surely you can guess how stressful my drive into Durham had been if you paid to what I told you in the first place.
"This is what comes of too much pills and liquor," he said.
"At any rate, there it was."
"A gnome?"
"Yes, a gnome, and in fact, there were two of them left from what was once a three-gnome garden set."
"You're talking about a yard gnome," he said.
"What did you think?" I said.
"Never mind," he said, "go on."
"So I bought Toby. I named him Toby; I don't know why--just a whim, I guess--and brought him home, but Ms. Wonder disapproved of him. She said I should put him outside in the garden. Well, she'd made her wishes clear, so I put him in the front garden underneath a mushroom. I thought he'd like that."
"I'm lost," Mumps said. "I don't know why we're talking about this."
"I'll tell you why," I said. "Because he was so unhappy with being left outdoors that he ran away and now he's traveling across the country running up charges on my credit card."
"And your reaction to the vaccination was buying a garden gnome?"
"Well, a normal person doesn't have these experiences," I said.
He nodded but it did little good because we were still on the phone.