Last Fling of Summer

"The creature of the lake is proving to be one heckofa challenging assignment," I said to Ms Wonder as we prepared for a new Thursday morning.

"Creature?" she said. "You mean lake monster?"

"It's a monster no longer," I said. "Lupe objected to calling it that. Her argument and I think it's a good one, is that we know so little about it that calling it a monster may give the public a prejudiced point of view."

"Ah," she said with a nod of the head, "and as we know too well, the public is already prejudiced to the tonsils."

"Rem acu tetigisti," I said and I felt pretty good about it too. I don't know what it means, perhaps you do, but I see it in all the best books.

"By the way," she said, "I'm curious. What do we know about this lake creature?"

"Creature of the Lake," I said.

"Whatever," she said. "What do we know for sure."

"No more than scientists know about the number of galaxies in the Milky Way," I said. "We know only that it's mathematically proven."

"What mathematically proven?" she said.

"Well, you remember that Lupe is one of those delinquent whizzes in math and she's developed the formula that proves the creature has to be there."

"You meant to say, juvenile, not delinquent," she said.

"Did I?" I said. "She's a juvenile who's not delinquent in math then."

She looked at her hands--I don't know why--and shook her head. She is prone to headaches so maybe she felt one coming on.

"I'm going to have to doubt that Lupe proved the existence of a lake monster with a mathematical formula."

"But it's true," I said. "It was her special project at the School of Science and Math in Durham. She took into consideration all sorts of stuff, like water temperature, the average depth of the lake, food supply, and stuff like that. I think the nuclear power plant figured heavily into the equation."

"I'll bet it did," she said.

"I have a copy of the equation somewhere," I said. "Was planning to use it in my article when we get a photo of the creature."

"You're going to photograph it?" she said.

"Yes," I said. "That's why I spend so much time at the lake. But we don't want people to know which lake. We don't want anyone messing about on the water and causing the creature a lot of anxiety and whatnot. Lupe thinks the creature may be a mother taking care of her young."

"Mathematically proven, of course," said the Wonder. Then she added in a thoughtful way, "A lake full of radioactive, mutant monsters."

"Yeah, creatures," I said. "Exciting hunh?"

"So how're you going to get a photo if you've spent all summer out there and haven't seen it yet?"

"Ah, that's my latest inspiration," I said. "When Lupe demanded that we not cause the creature unnecessary stress, it made me think of Happy Cats Wellness."

"I don't follow," she said.

"On our website, we teach people how they can enrich the lives of their cats to keep them curious, engaged, and happy."

"Yes?" she said.

"One of those suggestions is that the cat must get plenty of hunting play, right? Playing games that mimic hunting--something the cat is driven to do anyway."

"Wait a second," she said. "You're not telling me that you plan to coax this creature into hunting mode so that you can get a photo?"

"That's exactly what I'm telling you," I said. "Cats need to hunt because they've been conditioned through the millennia to stalk, pounce, kill and devour prey. I'm betting the creature is the same."

"One way to improve the lives  of cats is to dangle a feather on a string in front of them to get them to stalk and pounce."

"Please tell me," she said, "that you don't plan to use a fishing rod to cast bait into the lair and tempt a monster to attack. With you at the other end of the fishing pole and probably up to your waist in the lake?"

"Ms. Wonder," I said. "do give me some credit. Of course, I won't do something that silly. No, I've a much better way and it's absolutely certain to work. And it's a creature, not a monster."

"Do tell," she said.

"I have the perfect spot in mind where I will draw her out of hiding with hunting play, but not by dangling a feather."

"Although you admit that you know nothing about this creature," she said.

"I don't have to know anything," I said. "My plan requires no information other than knowing of something that no creature can ignore."

"You're going to have a mutant, radioactive monster chase a red dot across the surface of the lake?"

"Yes, I know, it's genius, isn't it?" I said and I felt pretty good about it too.

Casa Blanca

"How was your morning at Ocean Isle?" asked Ms. Wonder when I walked in the door.

"Do you have a minute?" I said. "What I have to say may shock you."

"I doubt that I'll be shaken and I bet you hold me spellbound," she said.

"Alright, if you insist. The whole thing began as I sat brooding at a table outside Casa Blanca Cafe. It wasn't my normal brood. It was a deeper, more focused angst brought on by your insistence that I interview mental health therapists today."

"It's for your own good," she said. 

"I'd finished two double espressos and the mood hadn't budged. Even my new beret didn't help.  Don't misunderstand, the beret lifted my spirits far above the level of no beret, but I had my heart set on one of those red jobs the French revolutionaries wore to signify their disapproval of the status quo."

She nodded in a meaningful and supportive way as if to say that she understood my disappointment but that she was going to ignore the reference to the French imbroglio.

"I gradually became aware of a commotion taking place in the alley behind the cafe," I said, "and I decided to investigate. But when I got to the alley, all was strangely quiet."

"I walked on and eventually made my way to the Memorial Dunes, with a thought to honoring the memory of our Once and Future Tribe--the cats who wait for us at the Rainbow Bridge."

"That's new terminology," she said, "the Once and Future Tribe, but tell me about that later. What happened next?"

"Well, for some reason, I thought of the black-and-white feral cat that I used to see below the footbridge in Briar Creek in Durham."

"What made you think of him?"

"It had something to do with the arrival of Princess Amy."

"Of course, Amy", she said. "Don't tell me, let me guess. Did she come speeding down the beach in her panel truck?"

"Oh she did make another of her dramatic entrances but not in her signature truck wreck. This time she washed up in the surf and began flopping around like a confused mackerel. I don't know why. Perhaps just a way of getting my attention."

"You don't see that every day," said The Wonder.

"That's what I said."

"Then what?"

"I complimented her on her entry, thinking that it might soften her attitude."

"Good thinking. Did it work?"

"It seemed to work because instead of yelling something at me like, Run for your life, she simply thanked me and said that she felt better for it."

"Excellent."

"But then she started messing with my head." 

"Listen up!", she said. "You've been chosen as the dark minion for a special job."

"Dark minion!" said the Wonder. "That is interesting. Tell me more."

"I couldn't think what she might be talking about. I'd never heard this dark minion stuff from her before, and so I could only say, I have?"

"Yes, but not the minion of revolution and reconstruction that you were hoping for," she said. You're the chosen agent of redirection, disruption, and subterfuge. 

"Those were her exact words?" said Wonder. "Were you hoping to be the minion of revolution and whatever she said?"

"I didn't know I'd ever said it out loud," I said.

"Then what happened?"

"She said it was time for me to get to work. She said I should pay close attention to anything she tells me.

"Don't ask why," she said. "Just do what I tell you and everything will be fine."

"Right," said Wonder, "like that's going to happen."

"Then when I started asking her, What if..., she interrupted to say that I should let her worry about that."

"And when I asked, Yes, but what about..."

"I'll take care of it, she said."

"I stared at her in silence not knowing what to say next but then she said, Well? as though she expected me to agree to her terms."

"But then, Poopsie, my mind suddenly became clear and my heart swelled. It may have had something to do with the recent memorial to our Tribe. But wherever the resolve originated, I decided that today would be the first day of a new life. I would begin that better life that I've wrestled with for the last several months."

"Here's what I'm going to do, Princess, I said to Amy. I'm going to run for my life. It's just the thing you've often advised it."

"What?" she said in an incredulous tone leading me to believe that my words had struck a cord."

"That's right, old girl. You've often urged me to do it and from now on, I'm going to run and when I run, you're going to run with me."

"No, absolutely not, you can't do any running today, she said. "You'll run when I tell you."

"I'm running, I told her, and I'm going to get aerobic."

"No, no, no! she said. Running raises the endorphins and that's not allowed.

"Oh, but I'll feel better and so will you and that means you won't be in control."

"Don't do it, she demanded."

"Here we go, I said, and with those words, I began an easy jog. Five minutes later, Amy was resting peacefully."

 

"I continued to jog, and eventually, we were strolling arm in arm. Poopsie, I believe this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."

"Who would have imagined it," said the Wonder, "you and Amy arm in arm. Just the way it happens in the movies."

 

The Toby Reaction

"You had a reaction to the vaccination?"

"That's what I've been trying to tell you," I said.

"Was it serious?" he said.

"Was it serious! Let me tell you how serious it was and still is," I said.

"Do tell," he said, "I'll bet you hold me spellbound."

"OK, then," I said. "It had been that kind of day when everything's not what it should be--your head's not making sense and you feel like you're not where you're supposed to be. You know the kind of day I mean?"

"No," he said.

"What?" I said.

"Don't drivel. I have an appointment and don't have time for the color comments. Just the facts please."

"Well, if that's the way you want it." I said. "But it'll be far less interesting without the supernatural elements. Pay close attention because I'll move quickly through the salient points."

"Not quickly enough," he said. I thought it set a tone low on my list of preferred tones but, after considering this and that, I decided to give it a pass.

"After the vaccination," I said, "I walked through the hardware store toward the exit and you'll never guess what I saw."

"You got a vaccination in a hardware store? Are you sure you're OK? Have you been out in the sun recently?"

I held up a hand to indicate that I'd take no more interruptions. It did little good--we were on the phone. "Mumps," I said. Not his name, of course, but that's what I've called him for so long I've forgotten his real name. "I am perfectly fine," I said, "so put a sock in it and let me finish this story."

"Fine," he said but he didn't say it with any real chirpiness.

"As I said, I walked out of the room and the first thing that caught my eye was a gnome."

He held up a hand and shook his head. At least I assumed he did because the gesture is something I'd expect from him. 

"Just as I thought, Genome, you've been out in the sun and without a hat."

"I told you the kind of day it was," I said. "Surely you can guess how stressful my drive into Durham had been if you paid to what I told you in the first place.

"This is what comes of too much pills and liquor," he said.

"At any rate, there it was."

"A gnome?"

"Yes, a gnome, and in fact, there were two of them left from what was once a three-gnome garden set."

"You're talking about a yard gnome," he said.

"What did you think?" I said.

"Never mind," he said, "go on."

"So I bought Toby. I named him Toby; I don't know why--just a whim, I guess--and brought him home, but Ms. Wonder disapproved of him. She said I should put him outside in the garden.  Well, she'd made her wishes clear, so I put him in the front garden underneath a mushroom. I thought he'd like that."

"I'm lost," Mumps said. "I don't know why we're talking about this."

"I'll tell you why," I said. "Because he was so unhappy with being left outdoors that he ran away and now he's traveling across the country running up charges on my credit card."

"And your reaction to the vaccination was buying a garden gnome?"

"Well, a normal person doesn't have these experiences," I said.

He nodded but it did little good because we were still on the phone.